When you’re having sex, do you feel like the main event? Confident when asking for pleasure and poised when giving it? If not, you may be spectatoring. Yes, spectatoring is a libido-killing habit that many of us fall into, especially when being too critical of our skills, body, or security in a relationship. It’s what makes you feel self-conscious during sex. Find out what spectatoring is and how to stop it from spoiling your sex life.
What Spectatoring Is
Spectatoring, at its most basic, describes what happens when you become a spectator rather than a participant in your own sex life. Your brain disengages from your body and the pleasurable sensations you feel and instead focuses on the sex you’re having like a spectator might. You may wonder what it looks like to an outsider, question whether you’re making strange sounds, or even worry about the smell or taste of your genitals. You may question what view of your body your partner has, and rather than enjoying sex, you end up silencing your pleasure with thoughts of self-criticism. Spectatoring brings a microscope to your sex life and scours it for any signs of weakness, sucking all the pleasure out and leaving you full of insecurities.
Spectatoring can happen for people of any gender. People raised as women may be more likely to be overwhelmed by body insecurity when they fall into a spectator mindset, while people raised as men may feel more performance anxiety. When you become a spectator during sex, you miss out on the gratification and engage in a little self-torment instead. These thoughts can easily circumvent your orgasm.
How to Sideline the Urge to Spectate During Sex
Self-love is crucial to avoid spectatoring during sex. Getting comfortable looking at yourself naked in the mirror can help, but it won’t help if you continue to think negative things about your body. So, next time you get a glimpse of yourself post-shower, say something nice to yourself—something you might say to your best friend. Give yourself a thoughtful, honest compliment. Next time, do the same thing but about a different feature. Become your own biggest fan and find new positive attributes every time you see yourself.
Also, consider how inclusive the media you absorb is. Do you surround yourself with gorgeous bodies of every size, or only ultra-thin models that make you feel less-than? If you only see one body type, you will naturally turn a more critical eye to yourself if you don’t fit the same mold.
Loving your body unconditionally is key to having good self-worth. If you decide you’ll love your body when you’re thinner, more muscular, or after an age-defying surgery, you’re showing your body that it only deserves love sometimes. That’s not real love. If you have fitness goals, that’s great. But love your body where it is right now to experience true confidence.
For more tips on navigating body criticism, check out my video below:
As you gain more body confidence, you’ll likely want to express that sexually, but starting slow is an excellent idea. You probably won’t be comfortable being fully naked having sex in the afternoon sun if you’re currently uncomfortable having sex in total darkness. Consider starting by candlelight and asking your partner for positive feedback. Better yet, give yourself some positive feedback! Celebrate every win as you get more comfortable in your body.
You can end spectatoring by focusing not on how sex should look but how you want sex to feel. You may want sex to feel a certain way physically, but don’t overlook the emotional component as well. How do you want sex to feel emotionally? Does your sex life support your journey toward healthy sexual confidence? If not, it’s time to make a change.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.