Our culture has minimal education on sex—the topic of aging and sexuality is often completely left out. That means you may feel blindsided by some of the side effects or not know what’s normal and what’s not. The best thing you and your partner can do to stay healthy and sexually connected as you age is to make it a priority and learn all you can. The crucial part is that if you invest in your sex life, it can be good. Below are some of my favorite tips for staying sexually connected as you age.
Acknowledge Your Changing Body
Hormones can drive a lot of processes that affect sexual health. As you age, your body will likely produce less testosterone or estrogen, and that can affect your sexual experience. Trying to have the same kind of sex you had in your twenties isn’t always the best route to sexual fulfillment, and acknowledging that your body is different can help you identify the kind of sex you want to have later in life.
It’s not just your body that changes as you age; it’s your mind, too. If you were still attracted to and turned on by the same things you were in your younger days, it would be a sign of a lack of growth. Change is good! But not acknowledging the changes as they occur leaves you without the benefits that wisdom and maturity bring.
If you’re changing as you age, chances are your partner is too. Clearing the air and opening a conversation about what’s going on inside your body can help you stay on the same page sexually.
Talk to your doctor if you are concerned about the changes in your body. If they seem dismissive, find a doctor who listens. Advocating for yourself is as imperative as ever as you grow older. You don’t have to accept chronic pain or dysfunction as an inevitability when you age. Treatments are available that can help.
Stigma About Aging and Sex
Unfortunately, stigma still surrounds sex as you age. Our culture can callously treat people’s sexuality as a joke or a fetish once they reach a certain age. But sexuality doesn’t have an expiration date, and as long as you are alive, you deserve sexual pleasure. You desire and your desirability don’t stop as you age. Don’t let shame prevent you from getting the treatments you deserve.
What to Try Now
If you haven’t started using lubricant yet, now is the time to take the plunge. No matter your age, lubricant can make sex more comfortable, allow you to play for longer, and help alleviate sexual pain. Use more than you think you need and apply more often than you think you should to avoid chafing and unnecessary sexual pain. Lubricant is a sexual pleasure booster, not a bandage for something that’s broken. Some people feel a sense of defeat if they can’t get wet enough or hard enough on their own, but that’s because of the stigma surrounding sex as you age.
More info on how lubricant can improve your sex life can be found in my video below:
An around-the-clock moisturizer can also help, and not just before sex. Lubricant is ideal for immediate slipperiness, but a moisturizer can work behind the scenes while you’re not having sex, making everyday life more comfortable and restoring your genital tissue.
Don’t Accept Pain or Dysfunction
It may not be possible to get ahead of pain or dysfunction, but you can prevent it from progressing if you seek treatment. Some people believe that sex is naturally painful or uncomfortable, especially for women, but this should never be the case.
Painful sex can have an impact on both partners. Your desire is low because you don’t want to engage in an excruciating activity. But your partner’s desire may also decrease because they don’t want to hurt you. Working together helps you avoid blaming whichever partner is currently having trouble.
If you’re comfortable, invite your partner to your doctor’s appointments and attend your partner’s appointments so you can get information on what’s going on in their bodies, whether it’s painful sex, low desire, or erectile unpredictability. This will help increase your awareness of what’s helpful and decrease the likelihood that one of you will feel insecure that the lack of desire stems from your changing body.
Work With a Professional
Seeing a sex therapist can fast-track your journey to sexual wellness as you age. Contact me for a free consultation today!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.