Many people find it difficult to slow down enough to climax with a partner. Rather than easing into arousal and orgasm, they find themselves stuck in a repetitive loop of insecurity or shutdown. Below are some of my favorite tips for releasing those thoughts and giving in to pleasure.
Mindful Pleasure
Mindful sex flips the script of bigger, better, harder, faster, and more on its head. It helps you slow down, do less, notice small sensations, and enjoy touch, even when it’s pared down. Rather than trying to make your sensations more intense, take each moment to see how you can relax more, let go more deeply. This can be counterintuitive for people who have performance anxiety or have trouble reaching climax. Yet, practicing mindfulness this way can create a profounder connection and a longer, more pleasurable experience.
Meditating before sex can be extremely intimate. Sync your breath and breathe deeply. Notice how your body feels before you even begin. If you’ve spent all day avoiding how you feel physically, this may be a bigger task. But noticing pain, anxiety, and discomfort has a way of allowing it to flow through you. It may not evaporate, but you might find it’s easier to work alongside of it rather than against.
When your thoughts become too loud, envision yourself as just a body. Imagine how you would have sex with your partner if you were not thinking at all. Would your behavior be more animalistic? Would it be easier to receive pleasure? This practice can help you see which thoughts are blocking you from engaging the way you’d like to in the bedroom.
Consider enjoying mindful self-pleasure, too. Notice how your anxiety changes. Is it still present? If not, why not? Are you more able to enjoy your body rather than stress over how it looks in a certain position? This information is valuable for you to understand what changes you want to make in your relationship or for yourself so that you can enjoy sexual pleasure more easily.
How Sex Feels
While most of the media we consume has a laser focus on the aesthetics of sex, it’s important to remember that there is so much more to it. Arousing visuals can enhance sex, but fixating on how you look during sex takes you out of the moment. See if you can turn your attention toward how it feels, sounds, tastes, and smells.
Don’t run from the information you’re receiving; receive it as a lesson. Maybe your skin feels numb, or your thoughts are telling you that you don’t want to have sex. Acknowledge those feelings. If you feel dread about having sex with your partner, get curious as to why. Your anxiety is trying to protect you, not defeat you. Trust your gut. If you acknowledge your reluctance and only have sex when you are ready, your body will learn to trust you.
On the flip side, if you ignore your intuition and force yourself to be intimate anyway, your anxiety may rise. So may your resentment toward your partner. Your body won’t learn to trust you; it will fight harder when it feels threatened. Healing happens when you honor your feelings. You can still create intimacy without having sex with your partner.
Healing also happens when you can trust your partner not to push your boundaries. If you’re only up for synchronized breathing, it’s crucial to have a partner who will respect that. Begin a ritual of connection that you both enjoy that doesn’t necessarily lead to sex. This could include extended eye contact, slow kissing, or even non-sexual massage.
Being fully embodied can be stressful for someone who has experienced sexual trauma. There may be specific feelings you avoid or erotic sensations you’d rather forget. It can cause disconnection from your body that takes time to repair. If this is the case for you, working with a therapist is imperative.
Savoring the Journey
Something else to help your nervous system relax is removing the focus on results. Enjoying the process is valuable and crucial to having connected, satisfying sex. Touch your partner for the thrill of their body against your fingertips, not just to bring them to orgasm. While an orgasm feels incredible, the purpose of mindfulness is to help you calm down, connect, and experience pleasure. Taking the pressure off reaching orgasm can dismantle performance anxiety before it starts.
For more on how to slow down, don’t miss my conversation about what you miss when you rush through sex:
Taking notes can be helpful, too. Did you enjoy being touched until your partner caressed a certain body part? Or did it stop when a particular thought entered your mind? Notice where and when your body shuts down.
Remember that time to connect is sacred and meaningful for both of you. It should never be an expectation or obligation, but something you are both equally interested in sharing. Sex is a vulnerable experience, and giving your body repeated, pleasurable memories can help build up your sexual confidence.
There’s More Where That Came From
When you’re ready to take your sex life to the next level, contact me for a free consultation.