There are many different types of orgasms, and you have likely experienced a range. Some are small and teasing, others are long and tantalizing, and some are so intense that they leave you breathless. Orgasms are nearly always pleasurable, and there are ways to deepen that pleasure. Let’s talk about how to make your sex or self-pleasure practice something that extends, exaggerates, and makes your orgasm larger than life.
Giving Anxiety the Boot
Something that can take the best orgasm of your life away is anxiety. If you feel nervous or rushed, you’re more likely to eke out a small orgasm than to have a life-changing one. Women often feel sexual anxiety because porn will portray penetrative sex as the only way women can reach orgasm, when women are statistically more likely to orgasm from clit stimulation. Men may feel performance anxiety and wonder if their erection is lasting long enough to please their partner.
Counteracting anxiety doesn’t happen by having a perfect brain or life. Rather, it’s letting your anxious thoughts drift into the background while your body takes center stage. It’s an act of presence, letting go of pernicious rumination, and zeroing in on pleasure. It’s something that takes practice and is a skill you can hone over time. When you try to eliminate anxiety, it usually rears its head even more forcefully. Accept that it’s something you feel but don’t need to fix.
Start by taking deep breaths. If you’re with a partner, sync your breathing. Place your hand over each other’s hearts. Slow down and look into their eyes. If that seems overwhelming, it’s because it’s powerfully intimate. These steps can help you feel your body and stay present.
Another good idea is to remove the aspect of performance. Focusing on how you sound, smell, or look takes you out of the pleasure zone and puts you smack in the middle of anxiety. You may be silent or quite loud; your hips may rock or be stiff as a board. Acknowledge what comes naturally and put aside notions of how sex should look. Further, if you rely on a fantasy or adult media to get turned on, that’s okay. Don’t shame yourself for not always staying completely in the moment. That’s not realistic.
If you’ve never had an orgasm, start by watching my video that gives you six steps you can try tonight to jumpstart your journey toward climaxing:
No Goals, Just Vibes
Try not to set an ultra-specific goal. This sounds strange, especially if your ambition is to have your best orgasm yet. It can be easier to relax into sex if your only ambition is to enjoy your body, your partner’s body, and experience pleasure. Setting a precise goal can make it too difficult to focus on pleasure.
A Prep Talk
A little preparation makes a world of difference. Start by setting the tone in the room where you typically have sex. If your space is cluttered, you may feel like your to-do list is inescapable. Cleaning up in advance, using clean sheets, and lighting a candle or dimming the overhead lights can be a quick way to signal to your body that it’s time to relax.
Use lube. Having a lubricant on hand takes the pressure off your partner to reach a certain level of wetness. Plus, it makes everything go more smoothly and prevents injury during sex. Another pro tip? Use your favorite vibrator or other sex toy. If you don’t have one, try my favorite:
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Mindful Touching
Start with non-sexual touch. To help your partner have their best orgasm yet, you need to touch them gradually. Hold hands and look into their eyes, or begin with a foot massage. Touch their non-erogenous zones first, moving to the erogenous zones only after your partner is fully turned on. Ensure you’re both in a comfortable position, one that you can hold for a while. That way, neither of you will worry if you’re taking too long or if the other person is bored.
Talk while you touch the other person. They should be giving you hints, saying if the touch is too light, too much fingernail rather than fingertip, or perfect. Stay connected throughout all touches and ask your partner how the rhythm feels. Open communication is meant for learning their body and giving them the best sexual experience of their life; it’s not meant as criticism of your technique.
When you feel your partner getting close or they tell you they’re almost there, back off a little or change your technique slightly. The goal isn’t to orgasm as soon as possible; it’s to have the best orgasm ever. Take your time and allow your partner to edge.
No Win Is Too Small
Celebrate every step. While you may not have a massive orgasm the first time you try, making progress is worthy of its own celebration. Maybe the first time, you relax enough to become organically turned on by touch. Or maybe you edge a little longer than last time. Those are excellent benchmarks to acknowledge, and they signify that you’re on your way to longer, stronger orgasms.
Work With a Trusted Professional
Having someone in your corner to help guide your journey toward better orgasms is key. Contact me for a free consultation today!