Talking about sex doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Talking about sex is difficult with someone you don’t know well, but it can be even trickier when you’ve been in a relationship for years and never broached the topic. It takes vulnerability, compassion, and good timing. The tips below can help you lower the stakes and begin a conversation now that will last for the rest of your relationship.
Prioritizing the Positive
When thinking about what you need to discuss to create a sexy, exciting, fulfilling sex life, many people believe that complaints will drive the conversation. But that’s not the case. Talking about your sex life only when you want to change something can create dread around the topic, so that’s not the best to start.
Leading with the positive is a good idea for any intimidating conversation, whether in the business world or the bedroom. Tell your partner what you want more of; go into detail about the hottest sex you’ve had with them that you still fantasize about. Having these conversations frequently can create excitement around the topic of sex.
Desire Discrepancy
If you have a discrepancy in desire, a good conversation to have is about when to invite you to have sex. Unless you have a remarkably high level of desire, you probably don’t want to be approached after a traumatic event or during a fight. But there are other times that will be off-limits and unique to you, perhaps when your parents are visiting, when you haven’t had time for a shower, or when you’re low on sleep. Talking this through can prevent resentment before it arises. But don’t just cover the inopportune times; talk about when you’d like to be asked about sex. You may list times like after a date night, when your partner wears a certain outfit, or first thing in the morning if you have no plans.
Heterosexual couples often talk about sex as if the default for sex is penis-in-vagina. Right off the bat, this can discount the vulva-having partner’s pleasure and increase a desire discrepancy since many people with vulvas don’t orgasm this way. Changing the default way in which you have sex may result in more pleasure for both of you.
There are long-held stereotypes about who wants more sex, men or women, and the answer may surprise you. For more info, check out my video on this topic:
If you are the lower desire partner, it’s essential to accept your partner’s desire differs from yours. This may mean they engage in frequent solo play when you aren’t up for mutual pleasure. Discussing masturbation habits can increase transparency and help you both feel comfortable with how you receive pleasure.
Broaching the Topic
Next, discuss how you like to be approached for sex. The method of asking about sex within heterosexual couples tends to have a laser focus on male pleasure. The question “do you want to have sex” may imply penetrative sex, not oral sex, unless you specify otherwise. So you may be getting turned down because they aren’t already in the mood. Sex in a long-term relationship may occur more frequently if the question instead is, “do you want a sensual ten-minute back or yoni massage with no strings?” In that scenario, you could both experience intimate touch and connection and there is no pressure to take it farther. For people with low desire, there is nothing sexier than no-strings pleasure.
Try asking an open-ended question, like “what are you up for tonight?” Perhaps your partner will answer that they want to hold hands, or maybe they want to cuddle naked while you watch a scary movie. Your partner may just want to be held. And that’s okay, too. If both parties can enthusiastically accept those answers, it creates more connection, and more connection can lead to more sex. Asking “what’s on the menu” opens a conversation, and rather than receiving a yes or no answer, you can discuss what’s on your mind.
Unlearning Together
Another can’t-miss topic is what lessons you learned about sex growing up. Right or wrong, these ideas can inform your present sex life and are more pernicious when they’re left unsaid. Discuss everything, from what the definition of sex was, who is entitled to pleasure, and what the purpose of sex was defined as. Are these ideas still an accurate representation of your beliefs, or have you consciously created new sexual norms? Investigating these issues together can lead to a better understanding of your partner’s sexual blueprint.
Learning Together
Ready for more science-backed tips? Contact me for a free consultation.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.
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