Sexual role play: it’s hot, unexpected, and easier than you might think. The biggest hurdle is often overcoming insecurities and talking to your partner about your fantasies. Here’s how to navigate the conversation and start role playing a spicy scene with your partner.
Why Erotic Role Play Is Having a Moment
Role play is fun because not only does it get you out of your routine, but it also can give you some space between you and your personality. We often see our personalities as something innate to us, and your personality can shine through role play as well. But it can give you a break from body insecurity, minor quibbles with your spouse, and the tendency to lose arousal when thinking about your ever-expanding to-do list.
Role play adds fuel to the erotic fire because you don’t know what will happen next. In long-term relationships, we tend to optimize sex to make it quick and fulfilling for both partners. But optimized sex comes at the cost of surprise and thrill, and role play gives those erotic components back to you.
Seeing your partner through a new lens revives the butterflies you felt when you first met. It transforms your partner from someone you “have” to someone you “want” again. Plus, it can deepen your connection because you’ll experience a brand-new side of your partner’s erotic template. You’re both channeling different parts of your sexual personas. It can shift entrenched relationship dynamics that keep you stuck in the same space, sexually, and unable to grow together.
Your Deepened Connection Isn’t Just Pretend
Sharing fantasies with your partner is inherently vulnerable. But it’s also a surefire way to boost your connection and understand each other more profoundly. If you feel like you don’t have any sexual fantasies, it may be because you were raised to think they are somehow dirty or wrong, or diminish your integrity, none of which are the case. Doing new things with your partner can help your sexual relationship thrive. Further, the sex you have that is outside of your routine will be the dalliances you remember for years to come.
Introducing the Idea to Your Partner
Telling your partner that you want to incorporate role play into your sex life may seem daunting, especially if you don’t talk about sex frequently. Make sure you bring it up at a low-stress time, not right before work or while you’re about to have sex. Give them time to think about it before you plan to dive in. Be clear about what excites you about role play and remember to focus on the positive. Tell them that you want to have a new experience with them and about how bonded or turned on you would feel if they were into role play, too.
It may take your partner time to wrap their head around the idea, so their initial reaction may not be as enthusiastic as you had hoped. This request may bring up some insecurities about whether you’re bored with your typical sex routine or bored with your sex life in general. Be ready to reassure your partner that this is about bonding with them, not creating distance between you two.
How to Mitigate Those Nerves and Dive Into Your Role
Giving yourself permission to get into role play is at least half the battle. The more you can let loose, the more fun you both will have. Doing something relaxing beforehand, like taking a warm bath, doing yoga, or something else that helps you feel grounded in your body will help you feel less uptight about the role play.
The next hurdle is finding common ground that is sexually appealing to both of you. Choose something that’s just on the edge of your comfort zone. If the first role-play encounter doesn’t do it for you, then you get to pick the scenario next time. Curate the story so that it fits your interests. The more niche, the better! If you’re not feeling creative, scripts are available online, as well as ideas for dressing up and where to go on a date.
Committing to the role is key. Being intentional helps you stay present and prevents you from checking out. When you stay present in your body, your sensations are heightened because you are noticing them as if for the first time. It takes time to think about your role, dress the part, and set the stage. But the effort pays off in your sex life and relationship.
Lastly, starting slow is an excellent idea for newbies. You may want to role play while you are away from each other so that you don’t feel as silly at first. You could try sending spicy photos while dressed as your role-play persona or sexting your partner something dirty. For tips on how to talk dirty like a pro, check out my YouTube video below:
Ready for More?
If you and your partner are ready to heat up your sex life, consider working with a specialist. Contact me for a free consultation today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.