Is your sex life dwindling? That can happen—even in otherwise happy relationships. Here’s how to get back into the bedroom.
Sexlessness and Disconnection
When you haven’t been having sex, it can be helpful to clarify what you feel deprived of in terms that have nothing to do with sex. Do you miss the connection and intimacy you used to feel? Do you want to feel like you’re dating again? In the same way, your partner may need to clarify what is preventing them from having sex. Disconnection may be what’s preventing them from having sex, so reconnecting emotionally may be the first step to getting your sex life back on track.
A lack of intimacy isn’t one person’s fault—even if it’s one person saying no all the time. Something is preventing them from wanting or feeling capable of connecting. Pointing blame at one partner will further your divide, but solving the problem as a couple can help you reconnect.
How to Work Through Sexual Rejection
Building resilience is crucial to the health of your long-term relationship. Instead of viewing a “no” (or days, weeks, and months of “nos”) as a personal rejection, change the framework. It’s a relationship problem. Yet many people feel unwanted rather than recognizing that their partner may be stressed from work, tired from the day, disconnected from a fight, or in the wrong environment to get turned on. It’s difficult not to take it personally, but it’s vital for the health of your relationships.
Further, if the only time you touch your partner is in the quest for sex, they will feel manipulated by your touch. Try touching them throughout the day. Kiss them before work, hold hands with them while you binge a new show, give them a neck rub before bed—and then don’t make a bid for sex. Getting in the habit of romantic touches that have nothing to do with sex can help them feel physically connected to you and increase their ability to engage sexually with you.
And you could also consider asking in different ways. If touching your partner at the end of the day or bluntly asking for sex isn’t working, change tactics. Instead, next time consider taking your partner on a date, giving them a back massage, and then seeing if they are in the mood. Asking your partner directly what turns them on the most will fast-track this trial-and-error process.
How to Say No
If you’re the partner who typically denies sex, consider saying no differently. If you can’t be in the headspace for the moment, reassure your partner that you’re still attracted to them and turned on by them. Make the rejection impersonal and be clear about what’s stopping you from having sex. Discuss steps you can take to remove this barrier in the near future.
You can also say more than no. You could say that sex isn’t on the table but list some other things that you could do instead to help you feel connected and intimate. Avoid words like “never” and “always” as they exaggerate the situation and make your partner feel worse.
It’s also important to note that it’s not always your partner’s responsibility to get you in the mood for sex. If sex is important to you, you can take steps to get mentally ready for getting intimate. Having time for self-care after work and before you plan to have sex can be a game changer. Taking a bath, going to a yoga class, or taking a nap and ordering takeout can help you have space between you and what’s stressing you out.
Troubleshooting Sexlessness
When your partner says no to sex, they aren’t saying no to you. Maybe they are saying they don’t have time to get turned on and reach orgasm, or they are dealing with disconnection from their own body. Perhaps they aren’t feeling the emotional connection they need to feel close to you. They may also be struggling with anxiety and the need to build sexual confidence.
Addressing past sexual issues is imperative as well. If you or your partner have experienced sexual trauma or are currently dealing with circumstances that disconnect you from your body (like a pregnancy, illness, or eating disorder), you may need extra help. Even some medications can get in the way of sexual desire. Getting therapy can be helpful, and talking to your partner about what you’re dealing with can help you maintain clear sexual communication.
For more information on sexlessness, check out my YouTube video below:
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.