Having a spicy sex life looks a little different when you’re in a long-term relationship. You can’t simply have the same sex over and over and expect it to be thrilling. Below are some ideas you can try to feel a sense of adventure, urgency, and anticipation that is missing from many long-term relationships.
Start a Bucket List
If you haven’t already made a bucket list for your sex life, now is the time. Spend some time with your partner when you’re not about to have sex and talk about the goals and dreams you have sexually.
Sometimes, these conversations can feel daunting, and fortunately, the Internet can help. Find a comprehensive yes/no/maybe list to get the ball rolling. Then, compare notes. Select the items that are on both of your yes lists and talk about them. Are they things that you want to verbally fantasize about together during sex, or are they things you want to try in real life? The “no” items provide helpful information about your partner that can give you insight into your partner’s turn-offs and where their boundaries lie.
Keep in mind that these lists don’t equal consent. You’ll have to get specifics and check in with your partner before any new activities begin. It’s crucial to be supportive if your partner changes their mind. They should also be updated regularly, as tastes and circumstances change. Then, get started experimenting. You never know if your partner has a hidden fetish that you’ll both enjoy exploring!
Exploring Non-Monogamy
The idea of consensual non-monogamy may seem extreme, but before you dismiss it, know that non-monogamy can have several levels. It’s about exploring your boundaries—not blowing right past them. Remember that people can only feel safe enough to explore their boundaries when they are sure that a “no” will be respected.
The important thing when considering non-monogamy is to go extremely slow and ensure you don’t hurt other people’s feelings, whether yours, your partners, or the other person you’re involving. Consider having a fantasy threesome in the bedroom, where you merely imagine someone else joining you for a night. Or, engage with a cammer you both find attractive to dip your toes into non-monogamy. These mini-adventures can be incredibly hot and help you learn whether you find non-monogamy hot or a deal-breaker.
Using Toys
Sex toys aren’t just side dishes—they can be life-changing main course meals in the bedroom. If your partner has a vulva, the chances that they will have an orgasm during sex increase exponentially with sex toy use. And if you don’t have a vulva, you can probably find a toy that will introduce a new path to orgasm, which is just as exciting.
The sex toy industry has modernized a lot in the past couple of years. Gone are the days of sticky, bacteria-harboring sex toys that are poor imitations of genitals. Now, you can find vibrators that look like aliens, pocket pussies that are sleek AF, and couples toys that are so gorgeous, you can leave them out as art. Chances are that you can find a sex toy that reflects your unique personalities.
Incorporating sex toys means that you’ll have to overcome any lingering stigma around sex toy use that you have. Some people have the idea that using a sex toy is an inadequate substitute for a partner or that only people who are desperate use sex toys. This couldn’t be further from the truth. If your partner is concerned about being replaced by a sex toy, help them understand that toys are an enhancement and nothing more. Frame it as something you want to try with them, not instead of them.
The same goes for lube. You don’t use it because you can’t make your partner wet enough or because your partner’s genitals are too dry—you use it to make the sex you have feel even better. Lube can elevate nearly any sexual activity.
For more ideas on how to spice things up, check out my video below:
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.