Attachment theory suggests that the bonds you form as a child have a profound influence over the bonds you form as an adult. It sheds light on what kind of romantic partner you are and can even help you understand who you are attracted to and what type of behavior triggers anxiety reactions. Attachment theory can be groundbreaking for those who are constantly in survival mode in romantic relationships. Read below on what attachment theory means for your relationships and in the bedroom.
Decoding the Different Types of Attachment
There are three types of attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure but many people are a combination of all three. People with anxious attachment styles do whatever they need to maintain the relationship—including putting their needs, wants, and boundaries on hold. People with the anxious attachment style can fear abandonment even in the most solid relationships. What anxious attachers need to look out for is agreeing to do things sexually that they aren’t necessarily interested in. Not only does that lead to resentment and a poor sense of self-worth, but it can fill your memory with negative, even traumatic experiences.
And these people may seek relationship comfort in the form of sex. When they find a secure relationship, they may feel that the sex is not as good because it’s not their only form of reassurance. Anxious attachers should prioritize maintaining a healthy sex life and emotional connection when they find a partner they can securely attach with; otherwise, they may mistake healthiness for monotony.
Avoidant attachers may feel like they aren’t good partners and often respond by becoming as independent as possible. They may also be cautious before becoming attached, wary of disappointment, thanks to their upbringing. Becoming close to someone can trigger deep fears, which present as a fear of commitment and strange, inconsistent behavior. In the bedroom, people with avoidant attachment may dissociate, retreating into their mind rather than connecting with their partner.
Disorganized attachment is a combination of avoidant and anxious attachment, and people with disorganized attachment are quite erratic. They may switch between styles without warning, leaving their partner confused. Both behaviors can show up in the bedroom: agreeing to whatever their partner wants and eschewing intimacy, and both can create problems in long-term relationships.
Secure attachment is the healthiest style of attachment. It allows you to prioritize your needs alongside your relationship. It means you can ask for what you want and be independent while being vulnerable and intimate with your partner. Asking for what you want in the bedroom is key to long-term sexual fulfillment.
Changing Your Attachment Style
Just because your childhood wasn’t perfect doesn’t mean you are doomed to have less-than-ideal relationships your entire life. With some help, you can move toward more secure attachments. Part of the work is done individually, where you unlearn relational lessons you learned as a child. But you can also do the work as a couple if you both are equally motivated, helping your relationship become more securely attached.
One of the first steps is to assess the unconscious views you internalized as a child. If they don’t reflect who you want to show up as within your relationship, challenge them. Try replacing them with ideas that reflect the most secure, confident version of yourself.
Further, validate your feelings. Learning to regulate your emotions includes feeling and examining them rather than shoving them down and pretending they don’t exist. And better yet, it can improve your sex life as well. Getting space between your first reaction and what you want for yourself and your sex life is empowering. Slowing down, meditating, and reflecting on who you are can help you move intentionally through life rather than being reactionary. In the end, securely attached people can be more adventurous and connected than those with other attachment styles.
Sex therapy can also help with this. Watch my video below if you’re curious about how sex therapy can improve your sex life:
Moving Towards Secure Attachment
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.