If you want to have good sex, sometimes the first step is taking a look at your relationship. What happens outside the bedroom indeed impacts what happens inside the bedroom. While some can maintain a hot sex life despite problems in the relationship, most people will find that sex stops when significant issues arise. Here’s how to cultivate relational safety in your relationship so that your sex life doesn’t suffer.
Tips for Fostering Relational Safety
Good sex happens when you feel free to be vulnerable and open, but that can be impossible if you haven’t healed from wounds within your relationship. It doesn’t matter what your gender is—if you feel insecure and unsafe with someone, it’s nearly impossible to let go enough to have good sex. That’s because your emotions are protecting you; they don’t want you to get hurt. Shutting them down isn’t healthy, and it’s imperative that you listen to them.
Further, the problems in a relationship set the tone for your sexual life. If you and your partner regularly fight about money, fidelity, household responsibilities, and other impactful issues, those angry emotions can make their way into your bedroom. When you and your partner don’t fight respectfully or end the fight with connection and a commitment to work it out, you may feel unsafe in the relationship. It’s important to feel seen and know that your partner prioritizes your relationship over the content of your disagreement.
Fighting fairly is crucial in keeping your relationship safe for both of you. You must maintain a level of respect for each other at all times but especially during an argument. Part of this means keeping the focus on one issue at a time rather than trying to rehash the past every time you disagree. Another way to fight fairly is to check in with your partner when you’re both feeling more relaxed. Talk about your takeaways from the argument and your plan for going forward within the relationship.
If your fights are over less critical issues, they may not impact your relationship. You may be able to keep these issues in perspective and protect your sex life despite the discord. However, even relatively minor issues can feel overwhelming if you are constantly criticizing the little things.
When Sexual Safety Disappears
If you don’t feel safe within your relationship, sex becomes less of a priority. And if you do maintain the sexual side of your relationship, you may feel contempt or resentment toward your partner.
Repairing after a fight—even if it was a bad one—is integral to helping your sex life get back on track, as well as your sex life in general. Good relational repair includes taking responsibility for what you did wrong and the impact on your partner without being dismissive or defensive. Noticing this without your partner telling you is extra beneficial. If you harmed your partner, try to be the one to initiate repair. Offer to make it up to them in a way that will help your partner feel seen and loved. Admitting when you haven’t been the partner that you want to be can help restore trust and safety within your relationship. The more you do it, the easier it will become, if your partner is receptive.
Next, ensure you fix the problems before you try to reconnect sexually. Prioritizing sex when you and your partner are in a state of disconnect can feel inauthentic and selfish. But when you get good at fighting fairly, maintaining a sex life is much easier.
Sometimes, people in long-term relationships don’t repair, and the sex life comes to a halt. Sexless relationships are common—and they can be solved. If you’re wondering how to talk about the fact that you’re no longer having sex, watch my video below:
A Trusted Sex Therapist Can Help
If you and your partner are stuck, a sex therapist can help you work through the issues and find connection. Contact me for a free consultation today!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.