If you had the picture-perfect upbringing, or at least something close, maybe you are an effortless magnet for healthy, stable, available partners. But what about the rest of us? Who we find attractive isn’t set in stone, and we can learn to hone our attractions toward people who would be good for us. All it takes is a little work and a lot of introspection.
Our culture tells us over and over that you have to be attracted to someone to find love. And, that luck plays a large part in who your mate is. The good news is that you can take control of your dating mindset so that you don’t end up replaying the worst moments of your past over and over. So yes, don’t go out there and start dating someone with whom you have no sparks. Instead, give the person who is really great and there is a small spark with more of a chance than you normally would. The best practice for a relationship in terms of longevity is to find someone with whom you have a small spark and grow that spark.
The Psychology of Attraction
Attraction has a central, psychological component to it. Without mindfulness and some therapy, people tend to gravitate toward mates that hurt them in similar ways to how they were hurt during childhood. This seems counterintuitive, but the mind naturally wants to be able to fix the past emotional injuries we’ve endured. Sometimes, the more someone turns you on, the more they replicate and validate your insecurities. And you get aroused subconsciously because you are convinced that this time the ending can be different.
Think about the last partner that you were attracted to as much as you’ve ever been attracted to anyone—someone who really did it for you. These feelings of high-level attraction are partly based on the way our caregivers hurt us because those were the people who taught us how to bond. When we reach adulthood, we look for similar, familiar relationships—often even when they don’t appear to be similar on the surface. But for relationships to last, we often need to find an attraction that is centered on how inspiring the relationship is, and how much it compels you to be the best version of you.
Evolving Your Attraction
First, don’t write off someone for being too available. Over a lifetime, if this person becomes your longterm partner, you’re going to eventually love and need that availability. If you feel yourself lacing up those running shoes when someone seems ready to commit to you, this deserves some introspection. Why does their availability turn you off? Perhaps you need a bit more space, but stop and question your desire to run. People assume that the attraction just disappeared or the sizzle fizzled, but most of the time, it has to do with someone’s insecurity and hesitancy to trust someone.
Fanning the Flame
So, how do you grow a small spark with a good partner? While you can’t compel an attraction to emerge, you can notice your own behaviors and patterns, and then begin to widen your horizons just a bit. Instead of writing off someone with whom you have a small spark—say, you both enjoy witty banter or a similar sense of humor—give it more time before you make a hard and fast decision. If your feelings are growing while you’re dating someone, that’s a great sign.
In order to attract the best possible type of partner, you should start by considering the parts of yourself that you believe to be the most authentic version of you. Take into account your strengths and your weaknesses, and try being vulnerable by showing both to your dating partner. If you haven’t found someone who loves the weakest parts of you, then you might not have found your lifelong partner yet. Your lifelong partner will likely appreciate how authentic you are and help you grow through your weakness—while loving you during the process.
Even if you get burned, you’ll have brand new access to yourself that will last a lifetime. Rejection has less of a bite when you know you were genuine and behaved with integrity in a relationship. The most effective way to get results and make permanent changes in the partners that you attract is by working with a therapist—don’t hesitate to reach out to one you trust today!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.