Having bad sex is disappointing—and if you have it for a long time, say, in a long-term relationship, it can be miserable. But with just a few tweaks to your sex life, you can remove some of the common obstacles and open communication and start having the sex life you’ve been daydreaming about. Below are some tips to help you begin.
Getting on the Same Page
Everyone has a different opinion of what makes sex bad. What helps some people reach climax easily and regularly turns other people off. But when someone says they’re having bad sex, they’re typically referring to having an unmet need. This situation can arise in the form of having a kink you haven’t told your partner about, a difference in libido, or your partner not prioritizing your pleasure. To have good sex again, you need to be able to verbalize your unmet need so that your partner understands it. If your partner is receptive to making some changes in your sex life, you’re off to a good start.
Sometimes, when people are having bad sex, they wonder who is to blame, whether it’s their partner’s fault or their own. Pointing fingers at your partner will only drive a wedge between you, and blaming yourself will leave you feeling more shame about sex. Being gentle with your partner’s feelings is crucial to helping your conversation go well.
Looking for Signs of Disconnect
There are several types of disconnection, which can lead to terrible sex. You may feel disconnected from yourself during sex, which can be a byproduct of a childhood full of religious shame about sex, body issues, or other stressors that take you out of the moment. To inhabit your body, you must relax and focus on the present moment. Sometimes, breathwork or a meditation practice can help you quiet your mind and stay present. Feeling embodied by yourself is the first step toward feeling embodied while you’re with a partner.
Next, you may feel disconnected from your partner during sex due to unresolved conflicts. These feelings of disconnection can make satisfying sex nearly impossible, so it’s essential to acknowledge them and identify the root cause. Tuning into your feelings about conflicts and expressing yourself honestly to your partner can help you let go of issues cropping up in the bedroom.
Start a New Tradition
There’s a fine line between a routine and a ritual, between an everyday habit and a tradition, and what separates them is effort. When you have sex the same way as you do all the time, it can feel dull. To change that, try elevating your and your partner’s sexual experience. Maybe every week, you wash the sheets, light candles, turn on your favorite music, and give each other massages. Whatever you do, it should be an expression of affection for your partner and something that deviates from your routine.
Your sexual tradition doesn’t have to be a production, either. It could be that you take a hot shower together or read erotica to each other for a few minutes before bed. What it needs to be is a place and time when you feel safe and ready to focus on each other’s pleasure. This can increase the connection between you and your partner and remind you that your sex life is worth prioritizing. Your sex life is worth the investment.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.