Keeping things hot after you have kids can be tricky—sometimes, it can feel impossible. Even though the experience of welcoming a baby into your family can be bonding, your sex life can feel like it’s in shambles. So, below are some things you should know to maintain your sex life after becoming a parent.
Divvying Up Responsibilities Has Never Been More Important
If you were a couple that never really talked about who was responsible for what in your home, that will have to change when you have a kid, and duties will need to be explicitly divided. You should also let go of the scripts in your head about which tasks are for the wife or the husband if you’re in a heterosexual relationship. And you’ll want to get good at navigating difficult sexual conversations with clear, calm dialogue. No matter what you believe to be true about who should do what, when you have a kid, it’s time for everyone to chip in all the time. Everyone must give 100% to get through the first several stressful months.
If you believe that dads aren’t very involved in the first few years of your child’s life, it’s time to reevaluate. Dads can be involved every step of the way, and both the child and the father will benefit from this early connection.
If you’re wondering how dividing up the responsibilities can contribute to your sex life, you’re not alone. But the truth is, often, the mother will feel so overwhelmed by balancing baby duties and perhaps getting ready to go back to work that sex will seem downright impossible. Sleep deprivation and near-constant stress can put your body in a state where it simply cannot experience arousal. She’ll also need time to herself before getting in the mood. Doing your part to begin child-rearing can ease the load and give her the mental space to determine whether her body is ready for sex yet.
Even If Sex Has Always Been Easy Before, You’ll Need to Prioritize It Now
Parenthood can present serious challenges to the sex lives of even the most sexually oriented couples. It won’t happen unless you make time for it on your calendar. Scheduling sex can sound unsexy, but it might just be what saves your sex life during the early years of parenthood.
You may have to have sex during different times than you typically would—like during your child’s nap or before they wake up—rather than right before bed. Even better, you may want to hire a trusted babysitter, go out for a night on the town, and have sex somewhere taboo, like a public bathroom or in the car where no one can see. Not only will this be hot, but you will be more relaxed knowing that your child or children are in good hands, so you’ll be better able to focus on connecting intimately with your partner.
Further, since you’re both in a time crunch, turning on your partner in advance is more important than ever. Practice sexting while you’re away from each other to flex your creative muscle and keep sex at the forefront of your brain. For more tips on reigniting the spark in your relationship, check out my video below:
Every Child Is Different
Some families may have an easier time with the first kid. They may be easier to feed and sleep longer, keeping their parents’ energy levels up. If so, parents can get caught in the trap of assuming every kid after that will behave the same way—and further supposing that their sex life will be roughly the same after each kid. However, your next kid may be completely different and throw a wrench into what you were expecting. Staying flexible, especially during periods of high stress, is essential for having a hot sex life as parents.
Get Professional Help
If you need help getting that spark back after having kids, working with a trusted professional can fast-track your progress. Contact me for a free consultation today!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.