Whether you grew up religious or remain devout to this day, you may have noticed that some teachings make it difficult to feel empowered in the bedroom. Here’s how to heal from some of the more sex-negative messaging and find the path that honors your ethics and your sex drive.
When Religion Is Killing Your Sex Drive
Many religions teach that sex is a gift from God, but that teaching comes with a flood of caveats. These can include don’t do it with anyone but your spouse, don’t have sexual thoughts, don’t masturbate, and more. All the rules can make it hard for you to focus on your body and how your partner makes it feel. It’s vital for religious people to practice mindfulness, which can help clear your mind of all the dos and don’ts and help you focus on pleasure. Take a few deep breaths with your partner before sex next time and check in with your body. Breathing deeply can help you to silence your inner critic and enjoy the process of intimately connecting with your partner.
God Versus Guilt
When you are religious, guilt can come in many forms, and almost all of them can immediately ruin the mood. The first way the guilt can manifest is if you’re not having sex very often or if you’re not enjoying the sex. Many women are taught that it’s the men who want and need sex, and if you’re not in the mood, it’s a favor you should do for your partner. However, if you make a habit of this, resentment will quickly take hold in your relationship.
Next, you might find guilt creeping in if you are enjoying sex. Certain religions are so sex-negative that you may feel guilty if you have sexual thoughts about your partner, engage in anything kinky, or have orgasms regularly. Women are often considered the sexual gatekeepers within religious communities, and letting go and enjoying sex can seem like a departure from this narrative.
Some women are never taught that sex should feel good for them (or, worse yet, that it’s supposed to be painful) and that it’s only an act of service or affection toward their partner. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. The idea that sexuality is a man’s realm makes sex difficult to enjoy for many in religious circles. And the notion that women “owe” their husbands sex is extraordinarily harmful and encourages marital rape, an eternal libido killer and form of abuse.
Navigating Fantasies
Many fantasies originate in ideas that we find taboo—that’s what makes them so exciting. And fantasies aren’t necessarily something we’d want to do in real life. But people who believe that God is judging their intentions may start to feel bad or dirty about the fantasies they have. It’s important to remember that having fantasies is natural, and they don’t necessarily reflect who you are as a person. The more you try to clear your head of every fantasy, the more focused you will become on them.
Making It Mutual
People have all different sexual interests, wants, and needs, regardless of their religion. To have a healthy sex life, both parties need to enjoy sex. In order to make this a reality, you’ll have to take into account different libidos and styles of sex. Remember that both people should be regularly reaching orgasm and equally enthusiastic about jumping into bed together because they get the pleasure they deserve. Making the extra effort can increase your satisfaction with your marriage in the long run.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.