As a sex therapist, I get asked a lot of the same questions by many different people. Below are answers to some of the most common issues that come up during sex therapy.
How to Combat Performance Anxiety
Many people are worried about whether they please their partner in bed. On the surface, this is a well-intentioned concern. But sometimes it can have repercussions, like preventing someone from having sex or feeling frustrated and insecure about their sex life.
If you have performance anxiety, one of the best things you can do is take a step back from your intrusive thoughts and label them. When your mind starts racing with a thousand questions that intensify your insecurities, distance yourself from them. Picture yourself putting them into a file in your mind labeled “anxious thoughts.” And remember that your anxious thoughts are no more valid or real than your non-anxious thoughts.
When these thoughts pop up during sex, it’s essential to have backup activities planned if you need a pause. Whether you can’t get an erection, or your anxiety has put the brakes on your arousal, switching to another activity during sex is crucial to dealing with performance anxiety. Spend some time doing something else, whether it’s a sexy massage, gazing into your partner’s eyes, or sensually kissing them. When you believe you must continue with the same activity, you will feel more pressure—and pressure is what makes performance anxiety so difficult in the first place.
Healthy Ways to Deal with Jealousy
Many couples experience jealousy from time to time, and luckily, there are some healthy ways to deal with it. The two most important ways to safeguard your relationship from toxic forms of jealousy are trust and communication. Building trust is something you can do together daily by being truthful and doing what you said you’d do.
Communication can be a bit trickier. You’ll want to sit down with your partner and tell them what jealousy triggers you have. They should do the same thing. If someone says they don’t have any, spend some more time talking. Chances are, they are trying to please you or they haven’t given the idea much thought. Don’t forget to discuss what fidelity means to you regardless of whether you intend to be in a monogamous relationship.
If you have many jealousy triggers, sometimes therapy can help you work through them so that your partner doesn’t feel strangled by your needs. Talking about jealousy is the best way to start managing it.
How to Build Sexual Confidence
Many people have trouble exhibiting sexual confidence due to things like sexual shame, discomfort in their bodies, and cultural misconceptions about what makes sex good. Sexual shame often stems from messaging you received as a child, and what types of sex are okay and which are “dirty.” Working through these messages is helpful so that you can intentionally set aside sex-negative messaging and replace it with something that resonates with you.
Discomfort in your body is another thing that prevents people from fully experiencing sexual pleasure. If you don’t feel sexually desirable, you can get caught up in worst-case scenarios about what your partner thinks about your body, causing you to miss the experience entirely. The expertise of a therapist can help you accept your body and begin to feel sexy in your skin.
Lastly, we receive many messages about what makes sex good, whether it’s penis size or how we look. The truth is that good sex often has nothing to do with either. When we take the focus off how sex should “look” and start to place it on how sex should feel, we can experience amazing sex.
If you’d like more ideas about how to work through sexual issues, contact me for a free consultation today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.