Picture this: suddenly, you’re on stage, and you can’t remember your line—or you’re being called on in class, and you have no idea what the answer is. Everyone has had a nightmare with a similar scenario because it’s scary to have the spotlight and not know what you’re doing. Similarly, people can become nervous during sex and develop sexual performance anxiety. So, let’s talk about the causes of sexual performance anxiety and how to move toward empowerment, confidence, and good technique.
Sex Education
There’s an idea, especially in Western culture, that people should know how to have sex without any education or communication from their partner. This pressure is especially difficult for men, who are taught that their penis should be the center of the interaction and that they should inherently know how to get their partner off. This idea is reinforced in movies, porn, books, music, and any other sex-containing content you can find.
Persistent Self-Doubt
People who struggle with sexual performance anxiety have obsessive thoughts about their lack of skill and their partner’s supposed disappointment in them. They may spend unusual amounts of time online reading about how to get a bigger penis, a better body, or to last longer in bed. They may also take performance-enhancing drugs to help avoid their anxious thoughts and feelings before sex.
Sometimes, internet research is fruitful, but as many people have experienced, other times, it can lead you down a misleading path. Taking suspect supplements that you found online isn’t a good idea—especially if you haven’t checked with your doctor beforehand. The truth is that people with perfect bodies can be terrible lovers, and there isn’t a magic pill that will make you good in bed. The best way to become a good lover is through education and clear communication.
Moving Beyond Sexual Performance Anxiety
The single best thing you can do to move beyond sexual performance anxiety is to communicate with your partner. Ask before, during, and after sex about what they liked and what they would want to change next time.
There’s good news for people with penises: even if your nerves mean that you get soft from time to time, that doesn’t have any bearing on how good you are in bed. Lesbians have been having great sex since the dawn of time! So you may be relieved to find that your partners aren’t as fixated on your penis as you are. Taking the focus off of getting a rock-hard erection every time you have sex can alleviate some of your sexual performance anxiety. If you feel yourself losing your erection, the best thing you can do is get creative. Penetrative sex doesn’t need to be a part of every sexual experience, and you can still have satisfying sex and orgasms. Focus on your partner’s pleasure to amp up the heat. Or, try a sex toy!
Sometimes, people raised as women may be fixated on erections, too, though this isn’t as common. They may feel rejected or undesirable if you don’t have an erection during sexual activity. If this is the case, it’s important to talk about your sexual performance anxiety with your partner so they understand that your erection isn’t necessarily a reflection of your feelings toward them.
How Therapy Can Help
The truth is that everyone experiences self-doubt from time to time and no one loves the way they look every day of the year. But there are research-backed ways to help boost your self-confidence in the bedroom and improve your toolkit so that you have several methods to help you become a better lover. Reach out to me for a free consultation today!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.