Talking to your teen about sex is probably last on the list of most parents’ favorite things to do. Yet, having an ongoing conversation with your children about sex is essential for their continued sex education and to ensure that you help keep them safe, healthy, and informed. Here’s how to make the process easier.
Don’t Rely on the School’s Sex Ed
Since only 13 out of the 50 states in the US require that the information given at schools is medically accurate, you will need to be the authority on the issue. Plus, many schools are taught about using condoms and preventing pregnancy but not much else. It’s rare to find a school giving pleasure- and consent-based sex education. Ask your child what they’ve learned at school, and supplement their information with your own experience.
Starting Early
With any luck, you’ve already had several conversations about sex with your child before they become teenagers. Children become curious about sex from an early age, and it’s crucial to answer their questions honestly. If you haven’t shown them that you’re a safe person to discuss sex with, the best time to start is now. Let them know that you’re open to their questions and won’t judge them before starting with information. Do your best to regulate your emotions and calm your nerves beforehand so that your discomfort doesn’t add to theirs.
Cover the Basics
If you haven’t talked to your kids about the basics of sex, don’t miss your chance now. Let them know how crucial consent is and that pleasure is central to good sex. Talk to them about why masturbation is a healthy sexual outlet and how to get rid of sexual shame. This will set the stage for deeper conversations about sex.
Creating a culture of consent within your family is also crucial. Show them that they don’t have to hug people—even relatives—if they don’t want to. Demonstrate that you support them and that their bodily autonomy is more important than appeasing someone’s emotions. Focus on the idea that you should check in on your partner early and often during sex and that if they get quiet, that’s a red flag.
It’s important to talk to them about all ranges of sexual behaviors—even ones that you may not personally approve of. If your children are comfortable that you are an authority on the subject and that you’ll give them an honest answer no matter how the issue makes you feel, you will create an open dialogue around sex where they feel free to share with you.
Some parents believe that simply by mentioning sex in any context, their teens will feel permitted to do whatever they want. But the reality is that teens think about and engage in sex whether or not their parents gave them permission.
The more science-based information you can arm them with, the more prepared they will be. This is your chance to instill your values in your children—before they adopt their peer’s values instead.
Going Deeper
It might sound daunting, but it’s important: talk to your kids about pleasure and fantasy. Keep the focus on exploring the topic with your teen rather than trying to tell them the “right” versus “wrong” way of thinking about sex. An open mind is key to the success of this discussion.
If your teen mentions that they are gay or trans to you, telling them that this is “wrong” will end the conversation with you, probably permanently. Listen to them and do what you can to find the community support they need and deserve. If they mention that they are sexually active, be understanding rather than reactive.
Next, talk to them about setting boundaries with their romantic partners. Peer pressure is brutal for teenagers, and peer pressure around sex can make it hard to stay focused on consent and pleasure. Boundaries are complicated to develop, and talking about how to understand boundaries can be part of a larger discussion about your teen’s values, goals, and feelings about their body and personal space. Keep in mind that their boundaries will likely be different from yours, and that’s okay. Their boundaries will probably also change as they mature and learn more about what they like and dislike.
A Lifetime of Good Sexual Communication
If you can create a foundation of trust and openness with your teen, they will feel comfortable talking about difficult topics with you for a lifetime. I can provide you with more tips on having easier, more rewarding conversations. Just contact me for a free consultation today!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.