We all have ideas about how dating and relationships should work. These develop as a combination of byproducts from culture, the way you were raised, and the relationships you saw. However, some of these “rules” that we have internalized can be more limiting than empowering. So, let’s talk about what these culturally sticky ideas are and how to dismantle them and replace them with something that resonates with you.
Harmony Lasts Forever
Wishful thinking and the most creative imaginations in Hollywood have led many of us to believe that once we meet that special someone, things have a way of just working out. But there’s a reason that most rom-coms end right after the couple gets together, and that’s because things inevitably get tough. Conflict in long-term relationships is unavoidable, but it’s not necessarily a sign of a problem or that the relationship is doomed. Yet many people believe that those in the healthiest relationships rarely fight. Unfortunately, that’s not the case.
Healthy couples fight, but they know how to fight in a way that protects their relationship instead of damaging it. So, don’t let your fear of conflict make you swallow your desires or prematurely decide that your relationship is heading down the wrong path. Talk through your problems and do your best to listen to your partner’s side, and advocate for yourself until you feel heard as well.
Sex Should Happen a Certain Way
We all grow up with preconceived ideas of how sex should work. A lot of women were raised with purity culture and were told that having sex with many different partners “cheapens” the experience. These sex-negative, damaging ideas can linger unless you dismiss them and replace them with something that feels true to you.
Further, the rules around sex are often contradictory. You could never successfully follow all of them because they’re confusing, vague, and often rather unhelpful. Even monogamy, a relatively straightforward concept, is something that many people disagree about what exactly it entails. The truth is that your sex life will turn out best if you stop trying to replicate pornography and you instead trust your body and your connection with your partner to be enough. The more empowered you feel, the hotter the sex will be.
Perfection Is Attainable
If you did well as a child, you may come to rely on feedback that you’re exceptional, extraordinary, or whatever else your parents, teachers, and other caregivers used to describe you. However, the idea that perfection is attainable inside a relationship can be hurtful to hold onto.
Perfectionism can even get in the way of a good sex life. For instance, if you believe your body doesn’t meet whatever high standard you hold for it, you may not want to have sex until it does. However, learning to treat ourselves and our partners with forgiveness makes our relationships much more resilient in the long term.
Putting Other People’s Needs Ahead of Yours Is a Good, Long-Term Way to Behave
We often hear about how good relationships take a lot of work. If you want your relationship to work, you better be making a lot of sacrifices—or so the thinking goes. The idea that you should have to give up a lot to maintain a relationship is especially difficult to shake for women, who are often socialized to believe that they should play a supportive or nurturing role in relationships.
While nurturing your partner can be a great way to connect and can even be rewarding, you shouldn’t feel like you’re in a constant state of sacrifice during your relationship. It’s important to keep tabs on whether there is a sense of equity and reciprocity in your relationship where both of your desires take center stage at different times. Practice asking for what you want and allowing yourself to receive it from your partner—bonus points if you can do so without feeling guilty or selfish!
More Tips for Healthy Long-Term Relationships
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.