Let’s face it: talking about sex can be intimidating. If you and your partner have trouble talking about your sex life, the four tips below will help you start the conversation confidently.
1. Time the Conversation Right
Timing is everything, especially when you and your partner need to talk about your sex life. Bringing up what you’re unhappy with during a fight is likely only to create more distance between you. Or, if they’ve had a bad day, mentioning your sexual issues can feel like too much to deal with.
Talking about sex is a vulnerable experience, and it’s vital that you’re both feeling safe enough to be honest with each other without feeling attacked. It’s best to talk about sex when you’re feeling connected and affectionate toward one another to make the conversation go smoothly. And this can also help you tackle any sexual issues you have as a team rather than pointing blame at each other.
2. Get Curious About Each Other
When you talk about things you want to change about your sex life, you don’t have to focus solely on the negative. It’s much more effective to treat this as an opportunity to learn more about the person you love and start by talking about what you love about your sex life as it is right now.
To do this, get the ball rolling by asking your partner what they think the hottest sex you’ve ever had was. More importantly, ask why they enjoyed it so much. Once you’ve heard them share, offer your experience as well. This places the focus on what you want more of rather than what you feel is wrong with your sex life. You can avoid criticizing the parts you don’t like, which is much easier for your partner to hear. However, if they do something specific that you don’t like, mention that gently as well.
3. Speak Mindfully
If you’re deeply upset about the state of your sex life, it can be hard to remain calm during a conversation about your needs. Yet staying composed is a necessary part of an effective sexual conversation. A mindfulness practice can help you keep your cool even when you’re feeling frustrated. Those who aren’t into meditation may want to journal their thoughts before initiating the conversation so they can identify the main points they want to get across without becoming overwhelmed with anger, disappointment, or sadness. Asking directly for what you want—without making assumptions—gives the conversation a good chance of staying positive.
If your emotions start to get in the way of your communication, take a break and come back to the conversation later when you feel more peaceful. When you manage your emotional reaction, the information you’re sharing is clearer and isn’t clouded by negativity. It will also help you both listen to each other without interruption since you’re less likely to feel defensive.
4. Leave With a Plan
The last component of effective sexual communication is deciding how to move forward together. Come up with some concrete steps that you can take to make your sex life better that you’re both excited about. Then, put time on the calendar to give your ideas a try. Making a plan for the future is the most important of communicating effectively about sex, and it helps structure your conversation as a way to plan together rather than simply letting off steam about what you don’t like about your sex life.
If you need some help coming up with specific steps that you want to take, reach out to a trusted therapist who can offer science-based tips to help you create a sex life you love.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.