Orgasms are important, and anyone who says otherwise probably hasn’t lived an orgasm-free life. Of course, enjoying sex regardless of whether you have an orgasm is a good idea to help take the pressure off when working towards reaching orgasm. But everybody deserves to have orgasms, so here are some tips on how to make more orgasms a reality for you.
1. Get to Know Yourself
Understanding what you like and need to reach orgasm are the foundations of having a great sex life. If you don’t know, you certainly won’t be able to communicate your needs to your partner. So, look down there with a mirror if you haven’t before, and see which areas respond to touch. Learn which kinds of clitoral stimulation you like since most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm.
2. Consider Your Relationship with Your Partner
Even if you’re very aroused and your partner is, too, reaching orgasm can be difficult if your relationship is on shaky ground. Invasive thoughts about recent fights or unresolved conflict can appear seemingly out of nowhere during sex and abruptly eliminate your desire. Finding ways to work through conflict in a way that restores safety to your relationship is key—and so is the ability to re-connect with your partner after a fight. Conflict resolution is a skill, so the more you practice, the easier it will become.
3. Give Yourself Enough Time
If you have sex with your partner for fifteen minutes each night before bed, it’s no surprise that you can’t reach orgasm that quickly—especially if you have a vulva. People with vulvas take more time to warm up, and rushing through sex can make orgasms unattainable. Further, some people get overstimulated easily and may need to take short breaks so that they don’t become sore.
An occasional quicky is fun, but don’t make quickies the norm. Instead, carve out more than enough time for foreplay to reach full turn-on, and find out how easy it can be to reach orgasm. Putting sex on the calendar is an excellent way to make lengthier sex a reality that won’t interfere with your busy schedule.
4. Speak Up
Asking for what you want can be scary, but it’s an incredibly essential skill if you want to have a better sex life. If you’re in a relationship where you don’t feel comfortable advocating for yourself in the bedroom, you need to have a conversation with your partner about why. Talk to your partner outside of the bedroom about what you need to get turned on—and also what things will derail your arousal. Then, practice speaking up in the moment as well. When you use your voice to clarify what you need, your partner has the best chance of understanding how to please you.
Sometimes, the deeper issue is that you don’t feel comfortable receiving pleasure. Becoming okay with sitting back and allowing your partner to spend time going down on you (if that’s what helps you reach climax) is difficult—especially for people who were raised as women. People who were raised as women were often socialized to put others’ needs in front of theirs, sometimes to the exclusion of their own pleasure. It helps orgasms come more easily if you can prioritize your pleasure and allow yourself to be selfish once in a while during sex. But first, you’ll need to unlearn some of the sexist programming about who deserves pleasure and who doesn’t, so that you can fully own the fact that your pleasure is as important as your partner’s.
5. Maintain Your Focus
Distractions often occur during sex—but they don’t have to ruin it. If you can stay focused on how turned on you are despite whatever else is going on, you’ll start to orgasm more regularly. Meditation can help you stay tuned in to your body, and developing a practice is an ideal way to help you relax and stay present to the pleasurable sensations you feel during sex.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.