Trying BDSM is on many people’s to-do lists. Yet, talking about kink with your partner can be difficult since kink is so stigmatized. Below are some ideas to help you start trying BDSM with your partner.
Getting Acquainted With Kink
Knowing you’re interested is the first step to kinkier sex. Some people have always known that BDSM is something they would enjoy and want to try. But others don’t realize its potential until later in life. The only way to know if you’d be interested in it is to expose yourself to it.
So, ask your partner if they’d want to watch a kinky movie or porn or read some erotica that involves a power exchange. This will help them learn a bit about it and whether they would be into it. Most media only contains a couple of types of BDSM or kinks, so you might want to try a few different films or books before making a final decision. If your partner is turned off by handcuffs, don’t despair. They may be really into roleplay or leather.
Visual learners may want to attend a play party or a munch. A munch doesn’t involve sex, but it’s a great place to learn from other people within the community about how to get started. A play party will involve sex (or, at least, watching while others have sex) and give you the chance to observe what others are doing and gauge your interest in the various activities. On the other hand, if you’re a linguistic learner, consider reading a book about BDSM or attending an informative seminar together.
Narrowing Down Your Kink
To get a better understanding of your sexual curiosity about BDSM, think about your fantasies. When you touch yourself, what are some of the common themes that turn you on? Perhaps it’s being with someone dominant, being tied up, the sound of a whip, or having someone completely surrender to you. If you can distill what you like, you’ll be better equipped to communicate it and explore it with your partner.
Identifying BDSM Roles
If your partner is game for trying out BDSM, you’ll have to decide who is going to take the more dominant role. If you both feel intimidated, keep in mind that you don’t have to become someone else entirely to dominate your partner. It’s more about freeing yourself to do what you want in the bedroom. A good dominant knows exactly what their partner wants and can give it to them—or withhold it from them for a period to heighten anticipation.
Don’t Overcommit
Remember to try one thing at a time, especially when you first start out. Some people want to jump in at the deep end and try everything: dressing up in leather, spanking the submissive, withholding an orgasm, and more. But if you try too many things, you might be so overwhelmed by sensation that it’s difficult to determine what you like and what you don’t like.
Stay Mindful
Mindfulness is an often overlooked component of bondage. If you can stay focused on how you feel in the moment rather than whether or not you’re doing it “right,” it will be so much more pleasurable for both of you. Plus, mindfulness can turn BDSM into a connective experience.
Want More Tips?
I can help you broaden your sexual horizons and safely incorporate kink into your sex life, so contact me for a free consultation.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.