Relationships aren’t magic, and anyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows that arguments crop up. If you both have strong personalities, they may crop up a good portion of the time. But real intimacy isn’t the absence of conflict; it’s the recognition of conflict and the willingness to address it as a team when it arises. So, let’s take a look at the impact conflict can have on your sex life, and when it’s time to stop compromising.
The Role of Compromise
Compromising is a term that’s frequently held up as the gold standard of a healthy relationship. But too much compromise is a dreadful thing. Each individual should have parts of their life that they refuse to compromise on, especially within a relationship. Consistently meeting in the middle can spell disaster—even for a happy couple. And it will undoubtedly spell resentment.
A healthier way to journey through conflict together is to have some hobbies, desires, or goals that are no-compromise zones. Things you sincerely want should be a part of your relationship. Resentment that arises can be dealt with as a couple because resentment frequently isn’t directed at someone else, but is instead a product of anger we feel toward ourselves for forsaking parts of ourselves along the path of our relationship.
People who give everything to their relationship often believe they are doing so for the sake of their relationship. But long-term, this isn’t sustainable. Rather, when you invest in yourself, you end up investing in your relationship as well. And when you’ve taken care of yourself, you bring that energy and the excitement back into the bedroom. When you feel wholly yourself, the spark that you generate can’t help but liven up the sex you’re having with your partner.
Good Relationship Doesn’t Always Equal Good Sex
Unfortunately, having a healthy, functional relationship doesn’t automatically go hand in hand with great sex. Sometimes they do, and sometimes they do not. The best way to keep good sex as part of a good relationship is by being mindful of it. Has your desire been waning for quite a while? Don’t ignore it; instead, bring it up gently with your partner.
The initial passion from a new relationship isn’t sustainable forever, and if you aren’t mindful about your sex life with your partner, the spark can hibernate. Often, people will assume that their partner is the person responsible for their sexual satisfaction. And this is where resentment can sneak in. Truthfully, in healthy relationships where each partner contributes equally, you are responsible for your sexual pleasure. When you notice a change in your sexual satisfaction or desire, it’s your opportunity to learn about yourself. Try different strategies for getting yourself back into a sexual mindset with your partner. Better yet, get your partner involved.
If you’re nervous about bringing this up with your partner, realize that hiding it is inevitably—if subconsciously—creating distance. Even if the conversation is difficult, acknowledging what’s going on inside your head will relieve your stress and, in some ways, bring you closer, even if you initiate a conflict. But chances are, your partner has noticed your change in sex drive and will probably feel relieved to bring your concerns out into the open.
A great way to have this conversation is to ensure both people get to speak and to set a time limit so that it doesn’t turn into a knockdown drag-out fight. Speak respectfully but directly about your sexual desire, and then listen to how your partner feels. Making sure you both feel heard during a short dialogue about your sex life can open you both up to the possibility that it is a casual conversation, a normal conversation, and one that you feel comfortable having often.
Find Your Curiosity
One of the best things you can do for a good relationship to bring about (or to bring back!) the good sex is to become curious again. Experiencing something new together can help you remember that your partner is an individual who is, in so many ways, different from you—and that is a sexy thing to remember. What’s not sexy is the routine of the day to day that can make you feel like roommates or, worse, siblings.
Options abound for breaking your routine, but the underlying factor is that your sex going forward will take more effort. It may be fun to daydream of effortless sex, but keeping things interesting with your partner means more thought, planning, and creativity then you may have previously been employing. If you’re having conflict in your relationship, don’t forget to consider sex therapy as an option for addressing this together.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. To sign up for her live workshop on February 6, Reignite the Fire: Plan Your Best Sex Date Ever, click here.