Sexual communication is important; so important, in fact, that it can mean the difference between a happy relationship and one that ends. The ability to give and receive sexual feedback is a good indication of whether your relationship will have and sustain satisfying sex in the long run. But, more than that, sexual communication can help you stay connected in all sorts of ways—not just sexually but also emotionally. If you’ve never known how to start a conversation about your sex life, below are some tips to start talking and have excellent sexual communication from now on.
Get on the Same Team
The best way to start is without blame. Rather than saying something like “you never talk to me about sex,” try something a little bit less accusatory. Say, “I’d like to talk about our sex life when you have some time.” That will take the pressure off the conversation and help it have a smoother start.
Sex is a particularly thorny topic. Everyone has various sexual insecurities or triggers that will make them go into a defensive mode. So, broaching this conversation takes a little bit more skill and grace than most. It’s always a good idea to talk when you both have time to sit down and get into a deep, intimate conversation. Put it on the calendar if you need to, as that will show that it needs to be a priority.
For some reason, many people wait around for their partner to guess what they like rather than telling them directly. But if you’re on the same team and addressing your sex life as a couple, you can save yourself a lot of time by practicing healthy sexual communication. When you’re both committed to creating a satisfying sexual life together, you have an excellent chance of solving any problems that come your way.
Defining Fidelity
One of the most crucial conversations you can have with your partner is defining fidelity and determining what counts as cheating. A massive amount of people assume they don’t need to have this conversation, but that’s simply not true. Especially since we live in the digital age, there are lots of grey areas around what you may feel is acceptable behavior within a relationship or not. When couples prioritize each other’s sexual and emotional safety, they can have a lot healthier relationship.
Some people get quite uncomfortable around this conversation because it’s such a layered, nuanced topic. Many people don’t want to trigger each other’s jealousy, and they also don’t want to seem like a burden. But the most crucial part of these conversations is to make your needs known so that your partner understands your boundaries and how you need to be treated to feel safe.
You may feel comfortable with your partner watching porn, but interacting one-on-one with a cammer may sit differently. When you talk about what you need, be as detailed as you can, even down to boundaries with exes. Think about as many possible scenarios as you both can come up with.
Further, plan on revisiting this conversation throughout the relationship. People change, and so do their interests and comfort level. This isn’t a conversation you can have once and then never speak of again. But the more you have it, the easier it will be. And, excelling at sexual communication can help you build confidence in the bedroom.
Going Deeper
Talking about your fantasies is another great way to practice having healthy sexual communication that can improve your sex life. It can help you connect on a deeper level and learn something new about each other. You put yourself into a position of vulnerability. Plus, it’s so exciting. Keep in mind that you must have a level of trust before you start, though. Hearing things your partner finds sexy (particularly when they don’t involve you) can be hurtful if you don’t trust each other deeply.
Another thing to remember is that you don’t have to have all the answers to be great at sexual communication. If your partner suggests something and you don’t know how you feel about it, be honest. Tell them if you feel hesitant and want some time to think.
If you’re ready for the advanced level of sexual communication, you could go one step further and masturbate together. Talking about what turns you on and watching each other masturbate gives you both an inside look at the rhythms, pressures, and movements that will bring your partner to climax. And it’s the perfect way to communicate with someone who is a visual learner. It’s also helpful to just be in each other’s presence and watch rather than looking for the exact words to describe the sensations you like. Plus, there’s no pressure to perform when you’re just a spectator, which can help people who are prone to performance anxiety.
When There’s a Problem
Some sexual conversations are easier to have than others. Difficult discussions about sex can be intimidating, and you may feel extra vulnerable. Sex problems have so many different causes, so it’s essential to examine all the possible sources, so you know what you want to work on in the future. Don’t assume what the cause is before you’ve talked about it because this can easily lead to blaming each other.
Sexual problems can stem from a lack of sex education or a reliance on pornography as a form of sex education. Or they can be relationship problems in disguise, as unresolved arguments almost always turn up in the bedroom as well. A lot of couples have mismatched levels of desire, too. So, while one person may be perfectly happy with how often they have sex, the other may be incredibly frustrated. Luckily, good sexual communication will help you stay aware of these issues as they arise.
Sexual Communication: It’s Always Necessary in the Long Run
Even if you have a scorching hot sex life right now, it takes work to keep your sex life healthy. At some point, the passion will cool. It’s almost inevitable, and it’s totally normal. As you bond, you feel more familiar, and the excitement will change. It can transform into something you love (like sexual expertise), or it can change into something problematic (like boredom or sexlessness).
The more experience you have talking about sex, the easier it will be to have lifelong sexual communication. You won’t have to discuss it only when it’s a problem; you can discuss what you love about your sex life, too. And then, you’ll both be more comfortable with the topic when you experience difficult times in the bedroom. Couples who don’t know how to talk about sex are at much higher risk of becoming sexless in the long run because when a problem does arise, they won’t have the tools they need for good sexual communication.
Level Up Your Sexual Communication
If you’re ready to become better at sexual communication in your relationship, sign up for my masterclass today!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist.