Starting a conversation with your kids about sex is one of the most important and intimidating milestones of being a parent. Below are some tips on how to guide them, give them sex-positive information, and keep them safe—minus the awkwardness.
Getting Ready
If you believe that sex is natural and healthy, treat the conversation accordingly. The more comfortable you appear, the more at ease your child will be. They may already be apprehensive due to stories from their peers. Put them at ease by keeping your sense of humor on hand and reassuring them that their questions are normal, their body is normal, and that they will make good decisions.
The earlier you can open the dialogue, the better. Start by naming anatomic parts correctly. Giving them a cutesy nickname enshrouds the conversation about sex with the idea that it’s too illicit to call things by their scientific names. The earlier kids can name their genitals correctly, the safer they are. It gives them the ability to correctly identify where they were touched if someone assaults them.
Often, you’re facing your own hurdles when you start a conversation with your child about sex. Years of shame indoctrination, fear of awkward moments, and feeling unprepared about the topic at hand can undermine your parental confidence in these moments. Noticing what comes up for you when you talk to your kids about sex can give you better insight into old beliefs you may still be hanging onto. You can take a more objective look at how you were raised and what you were told about sex, and what changes you’d like to make to the script when you talk to your kids about it.
What happens if you don’t brave the awkward conversation with your children? For one, you leave their sex education in the hands of their teachers, peers, and porn. They will absorb notions of consent and pleasure from the media they consume, not from their values. It makes them more vulnerable to manipulative predators and unhealthy sexual dynamics in relationships.
Crucial Topics to Include
Begin by letting your child know that you’re entering a judgment-free zone when it comes to questions about sex. If they can ask you important things without feeling judged, it will strengthen your relationship, and they can look to you for guidance rather than their peers or porn. When your child feels like they might get in trouble for asking questions about sex, it sets them up to hide dangerous things from you, like assault.
You may want to talk to your child about how to know when they are ready for sex. Yes, you can share the need for safety, but also talk about the importance of pleasure. Don’t focus solely on all the negative outcomes. You’ll need to discuss barriers to prevent STIs and pregnancy, but spend equal time talking about pleasure and self-advocacy.
To give them a shame-free starting point, let them know that looking at their genitals is not just okay, but important for health. Knowing their baseline allows them to quickly report changes to their doctor. Even if they realize that their genitals don’t look exactly how they expected, it will give them confidence that it’s not shameful to look.
Masturbation is an essential topic to cover once the kids have reached an appropriate age. Discuss how masturbation is the safest form of pleasure, and it will teach them that they don’t have to rely on a partner for sexual satisfaction. Masturbation can help them discover and refine what they enjoy, making it easier to communicate with a future partner. And it will deepen their sexual confidence.
Walk the Talk
Modeling consent is key. It’s one thing to mention it during “the talk,” but it’s quite another to show them what consent looks like as they grow up. Give them age-appropriate decision-making power over their body, including how they dress. Don’t force them to hug or kiss people they don’t want to.
Next, ensure that you include all forms of sex in the conversation when it becomes age-appropriate to do so. Defining sex as penis-in-vagina penetration leaves out gay and lesbian people, as well as a lot of female pleasure.
Lastly, if you only do one thing today to prepare for the talk with your kids, download this checklist that will give you a starting point:
Rely on science.
If you want an expert to guide you as you map out this important conversation, contact me today for more science-backed tips.