Sex is crucial to most people in lifelong romantic partnerships. And yet, the practicality of being with someone for the long haul is that you’ll encounter periods of sexlessness. It may be due to an illness, a period of separation for work, an emergency, the birth of a child, a recent argument, or countless other reasons. Learning to navigate these periods with empathy will help you avoid resentment and stay aligned. Here’s how to keep sex from tearing you apart.
Sexlessness: It Doesn’t Have to Be the End
Sexlessness doesn’t end every relationship, but it is the death knell for some. If sex is the only time you feel connected to your partner, your relationship may be vulnerable. And when you’ve been sexless for a while, you can start to feel like you’re roommates or siblings. Not only does sex not seem enticing—it sounds downright awful. This dynamic can foster the inclination to bicker, something that would have been unthinkable at the beginning of your relationship. Yet, other couples get through sexlessness with ease. The difference is flexibility and communication. My YouTube video has strategies to make you feel at ease talking about sex, even if it’s your first time:
What You Need to Make It
Long-term relationships need more than hot sex to last. They require similar values, a foundation of trust, and emotional availability. An open mind doesn’t hurt, either. When these things suffer, so does your sex life.
As you age, your sex life will shift, too. You may not want sex as often as you used to, or you may find you like to put more time and effort into it than you used to. It’s okay if your libidos are different, as long as you’re open about your needs. Masturbation can help fill in the gap. But both partners should be honest about what makes them feel cared for during periods of sexlessness. Maybe you still want to be held at night. Maybe your partner would like to have you around while they masturbate. If you’re unified in your search for a solution, you have an excellent chance of finding one. On the other hand, blaming each other for the situation you’re in will only make things worse.
Room for Growth
Growing together is imperative. You’re not going to be the same person you were at twenty years old when you turn fifty, and that’s a good thing. Couples who have the space and emotional maturity to encourage each other to learn and grow can create a stronger foundation.
Room for growth makes your sex life hotter because, in a way, you get to have sex with someone new: the new version of your partner. If you feel stifled and unable to grow, that’s one place an affair can start. People who have affairs often aren’t seeking a new partner but a new version of themselves, and allowing your partner to change is one way to keep your relationship healthy. The new version of your partner may help you see them in a new light, which can rekindle a faltering spark.
Communication Is the Not-So Secret Ingredient
In a divorce, sex isn’t usually the main reason, unless an affair was involved. Typically, it’s a symptom of other things that are failing. But sex can end your relationship if you can’t speak freely about your desires. If you have sex but never talk about it, that cone of silence can be damaging. You may not be on the same page about fidelity and monogamy, for instance. Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship, and talking openly about sex can be a sign of relationship health. The ability to express yourself without fear of repercussions, and for your partner to see you as you are, is invaluable.
If you don’t ever have conflict, that’s not necessarily a good sign. Having a conflict-free relationship often indicates that one of you is stuffing down their emotions or someone has given up. Continuous agreement isn’t the goal; alignment is.
Anyone can get married, but finding the right life partner is tricky. If you’re on the hunt for The One, you can’t miss our curated, one-of-a-kind LA-based matchmaking service, LA Love Lab. Get more information here. You’ll be guided into meaningful conversations by professionally trained psychologists.
Let’s Begin
For more personalized relationship guidance, contact me for a free consultation today.