The heartbreaking reality is that women have largely been socialized to expect and sometimes tolerate nonconsensual touch. Many women report stories of not being interested in sex but doing it anyway because they didn’t want to disappoint their partner. Learning to identify your “no” and listen to your inner voice is a much-needed skill because the culture minimizes consent to such a devastating degree. Equally important is understanding when your body says “yes” to sex, so that you can enthusiastically and fully consent to sex. Below are some tips on where to begin.
What’s Lost When You Never Want to Say “Yes” to Pleasure
Honoring your “no” and your “yes” is crucial for long-term sexual fulfillment. If you blow right past a gut feeling that signals your discomfort, you disconnect from your body. Any disconnect from your body is absolute, meaning that you won’t feel discomfort, but you also can’t feel pleasure. It’s a numbing behavior that can take practice and time to undo, and its effects are sometimes felt long afterward.
Reducing Numbing Behaviors
Numbing yourself is a coping skill, often developed after sexual trauma or persistent self-worth struggles. It’s how your body survived, so there’s no shame in it. But to boost libido and rediscover your “yes,” you must take steps to reverse this mechanism.
Numbing doesn’t happen just because your intuition has been shouted down too frequently. You can also use substances to numb yourself, like alcohol or certain drugs. You may find that having sex sober is the key to awakening your inner fire.
Finding Equal Pleasure
Mutual pleasure is a cornerstone of a robust sex life, but every couple’s expression of equal pleasure will look a little bit different. If you have a partner with a lower sex drive, they may not want you to reciprocate each time. People with higher sex drives may use masturbation to ensure their relationship has enough sex and intimacy—but not so much that their partner starts to feel exhausted or resentful.
Further, women rarely feel entitled to their own pleasure. They may be surprised and delighted when they have an orgasm with a partner, but it’s quite seldom compared with men, who are more likely to expect an orgasm every time. Women may believe that their function as a sexual partner is to keep the other person happy, which turns sex into a chore. The idea that you need to give your partner sexual pleasure or they will find it somewhere else is deeply entrenched.
On the flip side, heterosexual men aren’t raised to be aware that many of the women they’re sleeping with may not be interested. Instead, they’re often encouraged to get what they want from their partner with a disturbing lack of education about female bodies and pleasure. Some men still believe the ancient lie that women can’t, don’t, or shouldn’t have orgasms. These men may feel that they are getting the better end of the deal initially, but it will result in less sex overall with their long-term partner if they don’t learn to reciprocate.
Preventing Obligatory Sex Before It Starts
It can be helpful to talk about sex with your potential partner before you have it. Those who think of your pleasure as second to their own will often make themselves known during a frank conversation. If they aren’t enthusiastic about doing whatever it is you need to climax, whether that’s oral sex, a power exchange, or a long tantric session, then you can avoid a lot of bad sex.
Those who are already in a serious relationship may desire a therapist to help guide the conversation in a constructive direction. If you don’t enjoy sex with your partner, this video is the first step toward sexual fulfillment:
The Mind-Body Connection
It takes a well-regulated nervous system to decipher a genuine yes from a genuine no. And it requires a feeling of safety around your partner and the knowledge that their interest in you isn’t based on sex alone. Learning about your consent starts with slowing your pace, tuning into your body, and listening carefully. When you begin to feel a connection to your body, you will notice the signs it gives when you genuinely want sex or do not. As you slow down, you will understand why you may or may not want sex in certain situations. You may discover environmental triggers, leftover stress, or lingering conflict that block your libido. Your body knows what it wants; learning to listen to it is essential.
What’s Next
Healing from numbness is easier with science-backed tips from a trusted professional. Contact me to set up a free consultation today and start your journey.