Racial trauma can rear its ugly head in the bedroom. From hypersexualization to sexual racism and objectification, finding sexual fulfillment as a person of color can be tricky. Being marginalized affects every part of you, and it makes sense that it doesn’t leave your sexuality untouched. Liberation is what helps, but that is a complicated and somewhat nebulous term. The stereotypes people have of you influence your lived experience, and they undoubtedly impact the way you are treated. Let’s talk about the intersection of racial trauma and sexuality and how to cultivate a fulfilling sex life.
When Racial Trauma Appears
Past racial trauma can resurface in your body during sex. Recognizing the impact of trauma in your body and mind helps you acknowledge what’s going on and move forward. Racial trauma may appear as an obstacle to your desire, something that takes you out of the moment, ruins your concentration, or denies your access to your sexuality.
Writing down what actions make you feel numb, cause pain, or take you out of the moment is an excellent way to start. When you catalog the triggers, you may notice a theme and be better equipped to deal with what arises. It’s easy to check out when these emotions develop, but it’s better to check in—with your body. You can take a minute during sex to refocus, ask your partner to jump in, or do some breathwork to return your mind to the present. Learning how to ground yourself in the present is key, and meditation can help you begin the process of healing.
It Starts with Sex Ed
The sex education we get is often unapologetically medical or focuses only on risk avoidance rather than pleasure, and the lack of education can end up hurting the marginalized communities the most. Our upbringings inform our views about who deserves pleasure, who deserves to be seen, heard, and respected, and those who do not. When your sex partners don’t think you have the right to ask for pleasure, having a fulfilling sex life is an uphill battle. When you must advocate for pleasure, there is additional emotional labor that people who feel entitled to pleasure do not experience. This barrier to pleasure is why some people give up and accept the orgasm gap or buy into the idea that women aren’t as sexually oriented as men are, which is not the case.
The more that people resign themselves to this stereotype in the bedroom, the more they miss out on pleasure and solidify racist, sexist hegemony in their sex lives. When those ideas are internalized, even more damage is done, and even more pleasure is foregone. The difference between hoping for pleasure and expecting it is significant, and it highlights the devastation caused by the orgasm gap.
If you’re wondering what science has to say about who wants more sex, you can’t miss my video that dispels fact from fiction on gender and arousal:
Reclaiming Sexual Autonomy
Reclaiming sexual autonomy starts with feeling worthy of pleasure. Freeing yourself from internalized stereotypes can help you realize that you don’t have to earn a fulfilling sex life. When you deeply understand that you deserve pleasure, you will be motivated to explore on your own. Self-exploration is the first step toward articulating what you like in the bedroom, which is crucial information for your partner(s) to know. Asking for what you want—in addition to speaking up when you’re not interested—is an important yet often overlooked component of consent.
Taking sexual agency back into your own hands can look like bringing a vibrator along next time you have partnered sex. Waiting and hoping for your partner to be skilled enough to bring you to climax means giving your sexual autonomy away. Mutual pleasure requires a combined effort, and when you show up prepared, your partner may feel more relaxed and perform better.
Navigating your sex life with autonomy makes all the difference. Sexual autonomy means that you have a safe place to engage with your own sexuality, and you have the tools to understand what you like, what you don’t like, and how you see yourself as a sexual being. It’s an unshakeable feeling that you are in the driver’s seat, making decisions about your sex life and pleasure without pressure or coercion from those you engage with.
Fantasies: From Invalidating to Empowering
Sexual fantasies can also be impacted by racial trauma. Fantasies are frequently born from taboo ideas, so you may have fantasies that you don’t necessarily politically agree with. That’s normal. You may have a fantasy that doesn’t represent how empowered you feel in real life, and that’s also okay. You never have to act out your fantasies; they are merely information for you to gather about your sexual template and ideas that you enjoy privately. Understanding that your fantasies are not separate from the racist culture you grew up in can neutralize the anxiety that surrounds them.
Untangling Racial and Sexual Knots
If you’re ready to fast-track your sexual fulfillment, contact me for a free consultation today.