Knowing your partner well is an excellent intimacy-builder. But it can also make your sex life sizzle. Too much familiarity breeds a sibling- or roommate-like relationship, which can leave you feeling like sex is the last thing on your mind. It’s not that your libidos are gone; it’s just that your relationship doesn’t feel like the appropriate place to express those desires. It takes a little work, but you can avoid a sexless relationship and keep the heat in your relationship.
Why Disconnection Occurs
Some reasons couples fall into sexlessness are unavoidable: medical conditions, injuries, the birth of a child, or mental health issues will likely crop up from time to time in long-term relationships. But often, the causes of sexlessness are avoidable. Perhaps you’ve fallen into a rut, or you’ve experienced a disconnect from intimacy that was never fully repaired. How you show up with your partner most frequently in the day-to-day tedium can start to creep into how you show up in the bedroom.
Furthermore, the marriages you are most exposed are those of your parents, and the most visible component of their relationship is their roommate-like partnership. You no doubt witnessed them paying bills, making dinner, and dividing tasks more frequently than you saw them flirting. Often, that’s the template we have for marriage, and so it’s no wonder that many couples fall into this trap. It’s hard to build arousal and desire with the person with whom you were just arguing about where to spend the holidays.
Having Leftover Sex
Sometimes, sexlessness doesn’t occur because of disconnect but because of monotony. The repetition in your sex life can create skill, but it can also create boredom. Walking the fine line of knowing precisely what your partner wants but not giving it to them immediately can be tricky. The security and comfort that come with a long-term relationship are incredible, but it’s crucial not to let them stifle your curious nature. Adopting an attitude where your focus is to learn new skills and novel ways to turn your partner on can help you turn the repetitive nature of your sex life into mastery rather than stagnation.
Broaching the Topic
A good place to start preventing sexlessness is by opening the conversation about your sex life. When sexual conversations are off-limits, you’re at risk of losing the spark in your relationship. Begin this conversation when there’s no chance you’re going to have sex at that moment. This helps lower the stakes and reduce the amount of pressure you feel. Better yet, kick things off on a positive note by bringing up your favorite shared sexual experience. You may not have the same one, so ask about your partner’s favorite after you’ve shared yours.
Moving Forward
One of the things that makes sex so intense at the beginning of a relationship is that you’re both curious about each other. Anything seems possible. The good news is that you can get that feeling back. It takes curiosity on both parts, so it will be a joint undertaking. Giving each other space to have independence is a good idea. As well as you know your partner, there are still things you haven’t discovered. Those pockets of information can remind you that your partner is a separate human, still as full of mystery as ever.
Cultivating a sense of play is the next step. When you optimize your sex life so that you both reach climax as quickly as possible, you lose the sense of playfulness that you had in the beginning. Take a small step by improving the quality of the attention you give them, perhaps by putting your phone in a drawer on date night. Your focused presence can increase your connection tenfold.
Growing Together, Not Growing Apart
Allow each other to evolve. This step is especially crucial for people who have been together for exceptionally long times. You can’t expect that someone in their 40s is turned on by exactly what they liked in their 20s. You learn new skills, and your tastes mature, so allowing each other to grow is necessary for your spark to survive. You may feel surprised by your partner, and that’s a good thing.
Not knowing how your sex will turn out is most of the fun; that’s why it’s vital to embrace novelty. Use your attunement and your familiarity with each other’s bodies to your advantage. Take a calculated risk and do something out of the ordinary. Updating your sex position repertoire is a good starting place but consider doing something even more outside the box.
A fun way to bring back the heat and Unleash Your Inner Sex Goh!ddess: Learn the Ancient Art of Pompoir in a discrete, step-by-step program and discover the secret to super-orgasms – use our link to save $100!
As you grow together, you will likely experience the effects of aging in your sex life at some point. This is natural, but you don’t have to allow your age to encroach upon your pleasure. Erections and vaginal moisture may be harder to come by, but they shouldn’t be a barrier to pleasure. If you find that low desire or erectile unpredictability is a part of your daily life, you can’t miss my video on which meds could be compounding the problem:
Start Now
Getting help before sexlessness becomes entrenched in your relationship is the best bet for success. Contact me for a free consultation.