Sexual jealousy is one of the most potent forms of the green-eyed monster. It can cut you to the quick, rekindling old issues from childhood, like a fear of abandonment or feelings of inadequacy. Feeling jealous can put a damper on your sex life, too. Worse yet, it can be hard to admit to feelings of jealousy, making the situation hard to work through. Here’s what you need to know about jealousy in a relationship to help you both move forward.
What Jealousy Wants to Tell You
Jealousy crops up because your subconscious mind is always on the lookout for potential threats to your relationship. What’s even more fascinating is that the danger of infidelity doesn’t have to be real. You could concoct a hypothetical situation where you imagine your partner has cheated on you, and you can feel those emotions come to the surface. They’re readily available because they are trying to protect you, but sometimes, they do more harm than good.
Jealousy is a difficult emotion to isolate because it often shows up in combination with other emotions. Depending on how you respond to conflict, you may feel fear, anger, grief, or other surprising emotions. Jealousy is often stigmatized, too, so people who feel it may only admit to the other emotions that are surfacing. We have culturally demonized jealousy, deeming it a weaker emotion to feel than others. Yet, it’s key not to stuff down jealousy, and to listen to the essential information it can provide you about what you need from a relationship.
Jealousy is a normal emotion that everyone experiences from time to time. It’s not necessarily a sign that your relationship is in jeopardy or that you need to focus on your self-esteem. Sometimes jealousy crops up when you feel out of control or disconnected from your partner. Even newborn babies can feel jealousy, far too early for them to have developed low self-esteem. Jealousy is typically a warning light, letting you know that your relationship may need attention.
Feeling Your Feelings
Like other emotions, jealousy tends to dissipate if you stay with it. Don’t dismiss it or ignore it, but try to identify the package of emotions you feel the next time you are jealous. If it doesn’t clear up, the next step is talking to your partner about it. You may want to discuss boundaries in your relationship, or you may need reassurance on where you stand with your partner. If you have experienced infidelity in the past, it might be time for more repair to help you fully move forward. Working on a solution together can help you feel more connected and allow you to be proactive in repairing your relationship, even if you weren’t the one to break it. For more on repairing a relationship after betrayal, check out my YouTube video below:
Feeling jealous doesn’t have to be a reason to end a relationship; it can be a way to draw closer to the ones you love. So: how do you do that? The process involves waiting until you are in a calmer head space to respond, which can be difficult since sometimes jealousy involves a panicked feeling. Giving yourself time to identify each emotion and where it might be springing from can help put enough space between you and the event that triggered your jealousy to address it. That time is crucial, because you may realize in the interim that your jealousy is based on a fact, or it may be stemming from something else entirely. This process gives you the time and space to determine what your jealousy means.
Those who act on jealousy instinctively often blame their partner, which can harm the relationship. Some questions to ask yourself during an episode of jealousy could include what you’re seeking that you don’t currently have in your relationship. If you don’t know what your unmet needs are, you can rest assured your partner doesn’t, either. Identifying these unmet needs is one of the gifts that jealousy can give you. You canarticulate what you want to your partner and gain more clarity on your relationship. Sharing your needs can feel vulnerable, too. But remember that having needs doesn’t make you needy; it makes you human.
Consistency Is Key
Getting past jealousy is a lot like working out at the gym. The more you do it, the stronger you’ll get. You’ll notice triggers and avoid them before they come up, or you’ll get faster at moving past the panic and back toward connection. In the end, regulating jealousy is like regulating any other emotion: it takes practice. And like with other emotions, you don’t want to rush into blaming your partner. Investigate your feelings first and then tackle them as a team.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.