Having an emotionally safe threesome doesn’t happen automatically. You must take steps to ensure the health of your relationships before you dive in to avoid hurt feelings, betrayal of trust, and emotional scars that can damage an otherwise solid foundation. Here’s how to tease apart whether a threesome is a fantasy or a desire and how to keep everyone safe and happy throughout.
Threesomes: One of the Most Common Fantasies
Some fantasies are best left in your daydreams, while others are desires you want to materialize in real life. If your biggest fantasy is a threesome, you’re in good company because it is on the sexual bucket lists of so many couples. It can be difficult to determine which category it falls into for you, but it’s an important distinction. After all, if you end up having a threesome because your long-term partner wants you to, you could be setting yourself up for enduring resentment.
Consider this question: would you pursue a threesome on your own if you weren’t with your partner? If the answer is yes, that’s a good sign that you are curious about a threesome and ready to take it to the next level. Another question to ask yourself is how well you and your partner communicate about jealousy and sex. If it’s an unfamiliar topic, you may want to level up your communication skills and emotional intimacy before you consider a threesome.
On the other hand, if you have niggling doubts or the recurrent thought that your partner might leave, that’s a sign that you have more trust-building to do or that you’re simply not interested. If you feel you need to convince your partner, you’re pressuring them, and it’s time to stop. If discussing a threesome fills you with dread or anxiety, that’s also a sign that it’s not in the cards for you—at least, not in the current state of your relationship.
Getting Specific
Talking about your fantasies is vulnerable, but it’s the key to knowing your partner deeply and letting them know you. One of the most important things to look out for while discussing your fantasies is that you don’t pressure your partner, which is easier to do than many imagine. Bringing it up when you’re not having sex is a good start because your partner won’t feel immediate pressure to go along with it. Maybe role-playing a threesome or verbalizing how hot it would be is the first step that you want to take, but you need to see if your partner is interested before going full steam ahead. After you hash out the fantasy in bed, you may find that that’s as far as you or your partner want to take it.
Discuss as many details as possible if you’re both curious about taking it further. You both need a list of activities that are off the table. Consider whether you want the third to spend the night, if you would be comfortable seeing them again, and specific ways of showing affection you wish to save for the two of you. Developing a safe word in case either of you want to end the physical intimacy is another helpful idea.
Mention the positive things you are imagining, too. If you are both visualizing yourselves as the main character being spoiled with pleasure, one of you will end up disappointed. Map out a play-by-play that you would both agree to, knowing that things are subject to change once the third arrives.
Picking the Perfect Third
When you’re preparing for a threesome, choosing a person is as essential as it is challenging. It’s not recommended to have your first threesome as a couple with someone you know, as this may bring up unnecessary feelings of jealousy that spike every time you get together. Anyone who lives in a larger city may have luck attending polyamorous or kinky events to find a third.
Another way to meet your third is to join dating sites geared toward threesomes and polyamory. You can select what you’re looking for, which reduces the amount of scrolling through possibilities you need to do. Building a like-minded community is healthy, and you may meet people who have successfully had a threesome and still maintained a strong relationship.
Sex parties may also be a good place to start. For more information on what sex parties are really like, check out my YouTube video below:
The third person needs to be someone you’re comfortable talking about STIs and how you plan to stay safer during sex. To build trust and comfort during the threesome, go on a group date first. Ensuring you get along doesn’t have to be awkward—it can be sexy, and this is especially easy to manage if you go on a date first.
The Aftermath
No one can plan for every scenario, so even if you were as forthcoming as possible, you may have unexpected emotions crop up after the fact. These emotions are valid, and you can learn about what you want from your relationship going forward. Even if you have had emotionally safe threesomes before, you may have a jarring one that surprises you. It depends on how your relationship is currently doing, so prioritize connection and intimacy before pursuing sexual adventures together.
Extra Help
If you want to emotionally safeguard your relationship, contact me for a free consultation today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.