Tantra isn’t just good for your sex life—it’s also healthy for your relationship. It can strengthen your bond as well as your orgasms and add meaning to an already pleasurable activity. Here’s how to begin.
Start Slow
Eye gazing is the ideal first step in tantra, as it doesn’t take skill or stamina, just commitment. Tantric eye gazing lasts quite a bit longer than your typical eye contact, which is what makes it so transformative. Start with just a couple of minutes, but set a goal of gazing into one another’s eyes for five to ten minutes each time before you have sex. The awkwardness will eventually fade away, but the deep connection will not. At first, you might feel the urge to giggle or look away, but eventually, you will ease into a state of intimacy.
Breath Work
For many people, breathing doesn’t feel like work. It’s something we do naturally and subconsciously. But bringing your attention to your breathing is life-changing and can be sex-life-changing, too. When you do breath work alone, you may feel a newfound sense of peace, relaxation, or clear-headedness. When you do it with your partner, you may feel a connection like never before.
Sit facing each other and try to slow your breathing down to a relaxed pace. You can optionally put your hand on each other’s hearts to feel the rhythm of their pulse and help you sync your breathing. Breathing at the same time may help you feel more connected to your partner. Alternatively, you can do cyclical breathing in which you imagine that your partner is drinking in air and then passing it to you. During this pattern, you may feel a palpable energy exchange between the two of you, an intimate experience indeed.
After you feel like you have mastered the flow of breath and energy between you, you can involve other exercises as well. You could work on the health of your pelvic floor together, doing Kegels and building energy in your groin to augment your arousal. Or you may want to incorporate eye-gazing for an ultra-intimate experience. These experiences can help you tune into your body to feel the ultimate arousal and turn off that distracting to-do list in your head.
Letting distractions take over can derail the arousal you’ve worked so hard to build, and it’s an easy mistake to make in bed. Yet, a tantric practice can help you notice when your attention drifts and return it to your lover. It can also help you solve problems like performance anxiety because you aren’t in a rush and are focused on sensation rather than performance. For more info on how to move beyond performance anxiety, check out my YouTube video below:
Addressing Undressing
Before you rip your clothes off and launch into sex with your partner, pause. Instead, consider turning the undressing of your partner into a ritual, something more sacred than a rushed removal of clothing. Allow your partner to undress you while you relax and take deep breaths, and then you can trade. Undress your partner slowly and include light erotic touches that avoid the genitals to tease them and get them into the mood.
This intentional form of seduction can be fiery hot, but it can also feel vulnerable. Giving your partner permission to undress you also tacitly gives them permission to see you. If body insecurity arises, try focusing on your breath to return to the present moment.
What Happens When You Slow Down
Slowing down to pay attention is one of the most intentional, effective ways to increase arousal. You’ll notice sensations in your body that you may have overlooked before. But when you slow down, your mind can bring things to your attention that you were ignoring. That means that if you’re resentful of your partner, that may surface as you get ready for sex. If you’ve been through sexual trauma and never had therapy to help you move on, you may feel anxious. The only way out is through, and processing the feelings you have about your partner or past sexual trauma can free you up for a lifetime of sexual pleasure.
What’s Next
When you’re ready for more sexual connection and intimacy, contact me for a free consultation today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.