When you think about healing from trauma, a series of practices may come to mind. Going to therapy, letting time mend the wounds, and finding a community of survivors are common ways to move past a traumatic incident. But sometimes, the way people make meaning of their worst moments is to incorporate them into their sexuality, and often, this is a choice made subconsciously. Finding pleasure after trauma is crucial, but the path you take to get there may surprise you.
Sexual Safety and Eroticism
Safety is crucial during sex. It helps you let your guard down, relax, and focus on physical pleasure rather than keeping your body in fight or flight. But the mundane reality of having a routine sex life where the primary sensation you feel is ‘safe’ isn’t conducive to highly erotic, transformative experiences. Our deepest fantasies aren’t typically about the safest sexual encounters that we’ve had but those that play with our boundaries.
Understanding your boundaries deeply and having an exciting sex life within those boundaries can help you keep the passion alive in your relationship. For more ideas on how to keep the passion alive, watch my YouTube video below:
Healing Isn’t Linear
There are good questions about healing from trauma in a world that retraumatizes you. Can you fully get past sexual assault in a culture where sexual assault continues to occur and be excused by the courts? Can you move beyond racism in a culture still steeped in it? It’s just not the case that these traumatic incidents can continue to happen and that the survivors would never want to reclaim these incidents sexually.
Trauma isn’t just something that happens to us, we work through, and then get over. It’s often a foundational component of our personality and history, so it’s no wonder that it sometimes shows up in the bedroom. People who may want to replay their stories sexually in a safe context to help them move on may feel damaged or frightened by their desires, but they are very natural and common. In our culture, we may judge someone who returns to the scene of their trauma sexually as someone who hasn’t processed it, cannot escape it, and has some psychological work to do. But there is a fine line between leaving trauma in the past and developing a phobia around that trauma.
Consent and Risk, Post-Trauma
Consent is something that is necessary for safer sex. But it’s also more complex than we often realize. The idea of consent implies that our desires are fixed and our limits are solid rather than acknowledging how ambivalent and nuanced we are, especially when it comes to sex. It also assumes we know ourselves better than we do. You may not know if you like something before it happens, and whether it’s worth the risk is up to you to decide.
You will be taking risks with yourself and your partner just by being in a relationship. No sex happens without risk, and you can’t safeguard yourself from risk even with affirmative consent and emotional safety. Having new experiences with your partner deepens your bond and expands your understanding of your own sexuality. Deciding where your limits are is a meaningful step to take, and claiming space for your boundaries has been an important victory for equality.
Not all risks are created equal and they don’t always pay off, but acting as if we can avoid risk altogether is ridiculous. It oversimplifies the human experience to suggest that we know our limits in the beginning, they don’t change, and that we can have exciting, new sexual experiences without giving our consent the reflection it deserves. Being curious about your boundaries is a good thing—behaving in a way that dishonors them is not. And having a partner that understands and empowers you to explore sexually after trauma is invaluable.
What’s Next for Your Sex Life?
Working with an expert is always a good idea. Contact me for a free consultation.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.