Exploring a fetish with your partner is a widespread wish, but many people don’t know where to start. Below are some tips on how to come to terms with your fetish and find a partner who shares it.
Let’s Start at the Very Beginning
When you think about what a fetish is, you may imagine someone getting off while enduring something extreme. But at its most basic, a fetish is when someone derives sexual pleasure from an object or body part someone else may not find sexual. Sure, there are foot fetishes, but there are also sneeze, latex, pregnancy, balloon, scat fetishes. Anything can be a part of your erotic template, depending on how you’re introduced to it.
Normalizing It
Unfortunately, most people want to be “normal” when it comes to sex. Yet the quest to be normal is extremely limiting, and everyone has a different idea of what normal sex is. Everyone has their own idea about what constitutes normal sex, and they often feel shame for enjoying anything outside that limited purview. It seems obvious, but it’s not: the less specific your idea of sex, the more sexual pleasure available to you.
You can thank our sex-negative culture for any negative perspective on fetishes you may have inherited. But contrary to popular belief, fetishes are common, with nearly half of people being either fetish-havers or interested in the idea. Fetish communities are popping up like wildfire. If you feel strange, join an online community where you can discuss what you like.
False Fetish Stereotypes
Stereotypes about fetishes abound. One myth about people with fetishes is that when you have one, it’s an all-encompassing, life-ruining sexual obsession. The truth is that you can have a very casual, sometimes-but-not-always fetish. People with fetishes are typically as in control of their sexual behavior as anyone else, and they are individuals with other sexual interests. This stereotype goes hand in hand with the idea that people with fetishes operate solely without consent—that they’re filming strangers unaware or manipulating people into being sexually involved in their fetish. While this may be the case for some outliers, in general, people with fetishes can respect boundaries just like anyone else.
Keeping Your Partner in the Know
Knowing what you like is a superpower that a lot of people don’t have. Think of it this way: you’ve already done much of the mental work toward having a fulfilling sex life. What’s left is communicating your interests to your partner. You could start by asking your partner what they’re into. To help jumpstart the thinking process, use a yes/no/maybe list or a sexual wish list. You can find comprehensive yes/no/maybe lists online, and they are essentially complete lists of sexual behavior that you can mull over and decide whether you’re intrigued. You may have a lot of differing interests, but many couples will be surprised by the amount of overlap they have, too.
Giving your partner time to think is key. They may not know what to say right away, but after they have the chance to sit with it, they may be more game for trying a new fetish than either of you imagined.
On the other hand, they may not be into it. It can be disappointing to find out your partner isn’t into the same things you are, but it’s crucial not to take it personally, which can amplify feelings of embarrassment about what you like. A big part of enjoying a fetish is pulling yourself out of a shame spiral so that you can enjoy your sexual interests. Having a community to support you can make this much easier.
Boundaries, Consent, and Enthusiasm
Setting boundaries can be tricky if you’ve never engaged in an activity before. Start by telling your partner exactly how slow you want to go. Watching porn may be helpful, too. You’re ready to give it a chance if you feel anywhere between neutral to turned on. If you feel turned off, try watching a different porn or changing the activity slightly. You may not be at peak turn-on, but it may be a fun addition to your sexual repertoire.
The next key is to let the partner who doesn’t have the fetish control the speed. If they want to do more, let them suggest it. Don’t constantly have your foot on the gas; your partner may feel pressured and eventually turned off. If your partner has a terrible experience the first time, they won’t be as open to trying it again. But sometimes, it takes a couple of tries to find your groove together.
For more info on how to get into BDSM, check out my YouTube video:
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.