Having hot sex in a long-term relationship takes effort, consideration, and the willingness to learn new skills. Below are some tips to keep sex hot as you and your partner age.
Centering Pleasure During Sex
When you center pleasure during sex, you shift the pressure away from performance. The pressure to perform decreases pleasure because it’s distracting: you become focused on how sex looks instead of how it feels. Centering pleasure means that you can have a hot time together regardless of your body size or how hard your erection is. Plus, it allows you to be good in bed regardless of how your genitals are behaving that day.
Enjoying what you do for your partner in bed is crucial, too. Your partner will feel much more connected to you and likely turned on if they can see that you are super into what you’re doing. Identify your favorite ways to pleasure your partner and incorporate more of what you like into your everyday sex routine.
Everyone Deserves Romance
We are inundated with images of men romancing women in our heteronormative culture. But what we don’t see as often is women romancing their male partners. Switch things up for a night! Let them take care of some of the household chores while you get them flowers and a sexy outfit, and put on an erotic story while you have dinner. Being appreciated is a turn-on, no matter your gender. Flipping who initiates is part of the fun, and it can reduce feelings of resentment on both sides.
Next, spend some time arousing your partner. Taking time to turn on your partner is a game-changer. It helps people with vulvas have time to get aroused enough to have sex, and it can help people with penises have time to get an erection, even if it doesn’t happen as fast as it used to. Vary the ways that you seduce your partner, making mental notes of what worked best and why. Before you know it, you’ll be an expert on your partner’s turn-ons and turn-offs!
Building Confidence
Sexual confidence can and should be based on more than simply your ability to get an erection or get wet enough for intercourse. Your genital’s responses will change as you age, so it is essential to have other skills to fall back on now and in the future. You may pride yourself on connecting with your partner, the ease with which you try something new in the bedroom, or even your oral skills. Since your body can be unpredictable due to health concerns, surgeries or injuries, or due to the natural effects of aging, the sooner you develop a broader sexual repertoire that doesn’t depend on erections or vaginal lubrication, the better.
Make a list of things you’re good at in the bedroom, as well as things you’d like to get better at, and then compare notes with your partner to see if they agree. This list can help guide where you are versus where you want to go.
Communication and Trust—The Secret Ingredients
Trust and communication may not sound sexy, but they are the foundations of hot sex. If you can tell your partner what you’re into and they respond with enthusiasm if they are interested or curiosity if they are not, then you have an excellent chance of developing a sex life you both love. If you can’t communicate openly about your sexual desires, the sex won’t be reliably hot. It may be hot in the short term, but you won’t be able to discuss what worked and what didn’t with your partner.
If you’ve been with your partner for a long time and never had a conversation about what you want out of your sex life, it can feel extra awkward. What you want in bed may come as a shock to your partner, especially if it doesn’t align with what you’ve been doing in bed. When you have this conversation for the first time, it’s imperative to be honest with yourself and your partner. You may realize that you’re not sexually compatible, which is a difficult thing to accept.
To address a common concern, watch my YouTube video below:
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.