Religion is a beautiful spiritual practice for some people, but for others, the experience is unfortunately traumatizing. Even if you weren’t verbally, sexually, or emotionally abused, some religious beliefs can leave you feeling disoriented and defeated. Past religious trauma can stand directly in the way of sexual pleasure, so below are some tips for moving beyond it.
Identifying Religious Trauma
Since religious trauma has only recently been recognized, many people aren’t aware that they have been traumatized since this idea didn’t exist before. Further, religious trauma doesn’t always feel traumatizing at the time. Since these beliefs were instilled at a young age, it may take years for you to realize the harm they have caused.
Traumatizing religious beliefs can be invisible because they have become a part of your thought process, and they feel as natural and intuitive as breathing. Some religions instill these belief systems to prevent your mind from connecting with your body, in part to keep sex as far from your reality as possible.
Your Sexuality May Feel Dangerous
Religions also tend to treat sexuality as a slippery slope. You may have been taught that there’s no going back once you open the door to your desires. The idea that you’ll be a sex addict or a porn addict if you let yourself indulge may be deeply ingrained in you. In most cases, nothing close to this ever occurs. While you may shift gears into a highly sexual person for a while or watch more porn than you think you should, these behaviors tend to even out on their own over time. Keeping full control over every sexual thought and feeling for years can make you need release more than most—but in the long run, you will find balance.
Fantasizing Again
Allowing yourself to feel sexual after religious trauma is a crucial first step. To begin, consider where you hid the parts of your sexuality that you worried might be “sinful”. When you believe that your fantasies or desires are morally wrong, the typical reaction is to bury them deep inside. But if you ever want to get to know yourself on a deep sexual level, you’ll need to unearth those fantasies and learn from them. Parse out if you still find them sexy, and weigh whether they align with your values now. You can keep what you like and toss the rest.
Your values may have conformed to a strict set of rules before, but when you give yourself permission to discover what you like, you may be conflicted about what you find. Keep an open mind and remember that your sexual preferences are fluid; they change and mature as you age. Your ability to accept what you feel isn’t fixed either—it’s a muscle you can build with practice. Try to learn about yourself with a sense of curiosity rather than judgment. For more tips on how to slow, relax, and enjoy sex more, check out my YouTube video below:
Conversion Therapy
People who were religious and on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum may have been put through conversion therapy, a traumatizing endeavor meant to strip people of their core identities. If this happened to you, you likely have lasting religious trauma that you’ll need to deal with before you feel comfortable in your own body and with your sexuality or gender expression. Not only is the practice ineffective, but it can also be quite dehumanizing. When you feel that your identity is an adversary, sexual pleasure is difficult to receive.
Imagining a Sex Life You Love
Sex within conservative religions is often defined by how it “should” be according to the religious texts rather than how you want it to be. Realizing that you have the freedom to create your own sexual persona can feel empowering.
After you unpack the religious ideas that are no longer serving you or in line with your values, it’s time to start dreaming. What do you want your sex life to look like in the long run? Creating a sexual wish list is an ideal place to start.
Unpack with a Professional
If you want to go deeper, contact me for a free consultation.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.