A shocking number of couples will go through an instance of infidelity, and many of those will stick together and work things out. Cheating doesn’t always end a relationship. Couples who choose to work through infidelity can reach breakthroughs and brand-new levels of intimacy, but only if they’re willing to sit with difficult emotions and process what happened as a team. If infidelity has invaded your relationship, here’s what you need to know.
When Affairs Happen
Affairs don’t always begin because someone is sexually bored or lacks self-control. Often, it happens because someone has deep-seated issues that remain unaddressed. And while some people believe that it takes two people to create the conditions under which people cheat, that isn’t always the case. Sometimes, people just cheat. However, it’s essential to look at the health of the relationship and identify where the disconnect happened in order to restore the relationship.
If you are both willing and ready to rebuild together, prepare for a massive overhaul. You will both likely need to address childhood traumas, how you handle anger, feelings of entitlement, and more. It can be challenging to learn that the infidelity may not have been one impulse decision, but many decisions and many smaller betrayals that led to the larger affair. The process of recovering from an affair is daunting but worthwhile, even if you don’t plan on staying together because it can make you a more whole, grounded person.
Attachment Styles
How you attach to your partner may come into play. People who are securely attached and are in happy relationships may be less likely to cheat. Those who are anxious or avoidant may look outside of the relationship because they have difficulty feeling safe in a committed relationship.
Substance Issues
After an affair, you may end up examining your relationship with substances. If the cheating partner is addicted to any recreational drugs or even just a heavy drinker, these can add to the trouble since they affect judgment and may increase the likelihood of further infidelity. Worse yet, continued substance issues can prevent them from taking full accountability for their behavior.
For more information on why men specifically cheat, watch my YouTube video below:
The Aftermath
The aftermath of an affair is complicated and full of emotions. But even after you come to terms with the initial rollercoaster of emotions, you may not be finished. Though you may believe you have processed all the emotions from the affair, they can come flooding back once you resume having sex. You will be face to face with the visceral notion that your partner had this same kind of intimacy with someone else, and you may feel insecure, angry, disconnected, or otherwise unable to focus. Give yourself time to heal, and don’t rush intimacy, which will only prolong your emotional injuries. This is a normal part of healing, but it isn’t easy.
On the other hand, some couples’ sex lives come alive after infidelity. The raw, jealous emotion of someone else wanting your partner awakens erotic feelings you may not have felt since the beginning of the relationship. This is normal, too.
Myths About Forgiveness
Forgiveness is more complicated than most people think. It’s a process rather than a decision, and it takes time and healing to arrive at a state of forgiveness. Partners who were cheated on face a lot of stigma if they stay and work it out. Unfortunately, some people still see the decision to work through infidelity as weak when, in fact, it is just the opposite: it’s one of the bravest things you can do as a couple.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that your partner will forget. The infidelity will be a shared memory. If you care about your partner and their emotional safety, it’s critical to hear them out when they feel insecure, even if the affair seems like ancient history to you. Forgetting what happened would be irrational, and acting as if it never happened would be, too.
Your partner will naturally have more suspicions, especially initially, and clearing the air can help immensely. The idea that you shouldn’t dwell on the past is silly when it comes to infidelity, and the person who cheated needs to understand that it’s their job to comfort and reassure their partner as they heal. The person who got cheated on will need to parse out their hypervigilance and insecurity with an individual therapist, too, so that they don’t weaponize their insecurity.
Getting Extra Help
If you want someone in your corner, reach out for a free consultation with me.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.