Many have wondered how you can want something you already have, which is the foundational question of how to create lasting lust in a long-term relationship. Indeed, sex isn’t guaranteed in a long-term partnership—sexless relationships abound. But sex is often treated like a foregone conclusion, which erases any possibility of desire. Here’s how to get the desire back into your relationship.
Cultivating Desire
Our idea of the route of eroticism is that there is an obstacle between someone and their sexual fulfillment—and this obstacle gives that person the time and space to yearn, to desire. When you’re in a long-term relationship, there aren’t many obstacles between you and sex that are fun to play with. Most of them are negative things, like a chronic illness, lack of trust, or the absence of time and energy. That’s why it’s important to step out of your comfort zone and play with whatever feels naughty or taboo to you.
Keep in mind that stepping outside of your comfort zone doesn’t mean violating your or your partner’s boundaries. Hard limits are always respected in a trusting, loving relationship. However, exploring activities that may seem explicit or out of character can be fun and hot—and totally necessary to keep the fires burning in a long-term relationship.
Finding something that feels taboo that you are both comfortable with trying can make your sex life feel delicious again. When you’re looking for something that feels like it’s at the edge of your comfort zone, keep an open mind. Don’t yuck your partner’s yum, but rather approach your partner’s ideas with curiosity. Talking to your partner about their fantasies can build trust and intimacy, but only if you’re a safe space for them.
Pay Attention—Close Attention
Attention is sexy. If you don’t believe it, pick up an erotic or romance book. It’s nearly guaranteed that the love interest, especially if it’s a male love interest, pays careful attention to the object of his affection. Why? It conveys interest, but it also makes the sex more memorable because it shows care for their partner.
Paying attention to your partner keeps you connected and helps you exchange erotic energy during sex. It makes a world of difference when you and your partner are fully immersed in one another’s pleasure versus the times when you’re off in your own worlds, fantasizing. Neither is wrong, but having a healthy mix that favors connection in your long-term relationship is vital.
Get Naughty
It’s natural to become accustomed to something that you’re used to, including your soulmate. If you have sex every night, you no longer feel like you’re doing something taboo, so you’ll have to make an effort to raise the stakes. Cultivating desire is a skill you can learn, so think about what you want more of, what makes you feel just a little dirty, and what your partner does that drives you wild. Have them come up with a list, too. Whatever you want that you don’t currently have can be a source of desire, so dream big. Use your time apart as an erotic enhancement, too, as when you miss each other, this can easily be translated into lust.
Use Your Body
The same principle of wanting what you don’t have applies somatically as well and can help you learn how to create desire in your partner with touch. If you start by touching your partner’s genitals, they don’t have room to desire your touch on their genitals. This method can make them feel overstimulated or can be painful. It’s too much, too soon for many people. Instead, touch your partner in their non-erogenous areas first to help them focus on their body’s pleasurable feelings. Then, slowly gravitate toward their more erogenous zones—all while still avoiding the genitals. By the time you get to their genitals, they should be incredibly turned on. If not, slow the process down until you’ve got their full attention and they’re begging for more.
Science Based Sex Positions To Try This Weekend:
Looking to add some excitement to your intimate moments? In this video, Dr. Nazanin Moali shares three thrilling positions that you and your partner will absolutely love! From the steamy “Dirty Dancing” to the intimate “Spiders” position, and the adventurous “Hog Tie”, each suggestion offers unique benefits for deeper connection and pleasure. These positions not only enhance physical sensations but also foster emotional intimacy. Discover how to experiment with different angles, control, and settings, including tips for bringing the heat into the shower!
Talk to an Expert
If you’re ready to take things to the next level, contact me for a free consultation.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.