Having trouble getting or staying hard? It’s not as uncommon as you might think. Below are tips for keeping your penis happy and your sex life healthy.
Consider the Psychological Aspects
People often wonder how to tell if their trouble getting erections is physiological or psychological. One way to tell is if you have firm nighttime erections but can’t have one during the day, the issue could be psychological.
If you have difficulty getting an erection once, it’s normal. However, that difficulty may plant doubt into your mind, creating a cycle of anxiety that’s hard to ignore. The more you focus on it, the less secure you feel. These stressors can derail your sex life and your erections.
Further, if you can get hard while masturbating but not with your partner, the issue could be relational. You may have performance anxiety, unresolved relationship troubles, or you may not be getting turned on the way you need to be. You may feel guilty about something in your relationship, your mind may be on work or family issues, or you may have internalized ideas about arousal that are steeped in shame.
Shake Off Shame
Shame can come from an upbringing in a sex-negative religion or the idea that men should always want sex and be in control of their bodies, both of which set you up for failure and embarrassment. Additionally, shame isn’t just an emotion you experience, it can be a way you behave around your partner. Typically, people who have sexual shame may embody that emotion by withdrawing from the relationship, criticizing themselves, avoiding sex altogether, or snapping at their partner. These actions are intended to prevent sex from happening so that the feelings of shame are eluded as well.
Dive Into the Present Moment
Having better erections can be as simple as creating a mindfulness practice. Concentrating on your partner and your pleasure can help ground you when you are anxious and distracted.
Use your five senses to get started. Think of how your partner feels, what temperature their body is, and the texture of their skin. How do they taste? Listen to their sounds and smell their intimate smells. After you’ve indulged all five senses, focus on one that is turning you on the most. This practice takes the laser focus off your erection and puts it on intimacy with your partner, which is an ideal way to stay connected and maintain an erection effortlessly.
Talk to a Doctor
It’s always a good idea to mention erectile unpredictability to a doctor—especially if it came on out of the blue. They can help you identify the root of the problem and refer you to a specialist if necessary. Getting an annual exam and staying on top of your physical health are essential habits, but they can be extra beneficial in the bedroom.
Have Sex Anyway
Think you can’t give your partner sexual pleasure without an erection? Think again. Use your mouth, your fingers, or a sex toy, and you will find that making your partner orgasm isn’t erection-dependent. And, once your erection is no longer in the spotlight, you might find that you’re harder than ever and that your partner is orgasming consistently.
Further, you can touch your penis in ways that have no expectation—and so can your partner. Instead of touching your penis with the anticipation of an erection, touch it just for fun, just for the sensation of pleasure. Massage it for the sensation, to show affection, and to feel good without imbuing that touch with a mandate of hardness. If your penis isn’t as sensitive as you would like, check out my video below for tips on enhancing penis sensitivity:
Treating your penis like it should respond with machine-like consistency is unrealistic and can be harmful. Remember that sex is about pleasure, not performance! Accept that not every sexual experience will be the same or end with an orgasm, and you’ll set yourself up for a lifetime of pleasure. Embrace the unpredictability; sex is boring when it’s the same every time. Remember that not getting hard isn’t a personal failure; it’s just a neutral, natural, everyday occurrence.
Get Proactive
If you’re ready for more tailored tips, contact me for a free consultation today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.