Feeling ashamed is a nearly universal experience, and it’s sadly common in many people’s sex lives. Our culture defines sexual pleasure way too narrowly, and the result is shame about our bodies and performances and fear of what others think when it should be pleasure and connection. We let our culture define beauty, pleasure, and consent—all important issues that it has no business defining. But it doesn’t have to be that way. With some self-reflection and awareness, you can leave shame in the past and prioritize pleasure.
Shame’s Origin Story
Shame can seem to come out of nowhere, making it hard to identify. But if you find yourself feeling anxious during sex, shame might be the culprit. Shame may come from old beliefs, certain partners, or feeling like you don’t meet a certain set of standards. It is more than feeling occasionally guilty for things you’ve done wrong or nervous before having sex with a new partner. It’s prevalent, and it can hobble your ability to experience sexual pleasure.
Sexual shame leaves little room for error. People with penises may fear that they climaxed too quickly; people with vulvas may fear that they took too long. People with penises may worry that their genitals are too small, while people with vulvas may worry that their body is too big. Some may experience shame about their body; others may feel it about their orientation, gender expression, or kinks and fetishes. Adhering to these rules feels limiting because it is.
The Impact of Sexual Shame
When you aren’t sexually empowered, it can have an impact on many aspects of your life: how you feel about your body, your relationships, and your morality. If your interests or gender expression lie outside what’s considered “normal,” you may internalize thoughts about your worth—or lack thereof. That’s why coming to terms with our bodies, sexual identities, and turn-ons is so crucial.
Often, the knee-jerk reaction to shame or any uncomfortable feeling is to push it down and try not to feel it or perhaps to distract yourself with a busy schedule or doom-scrolling. But your emotions are there to let you know that you need to deal with something, and they don’t disappear just because you don’t want to address them at the moment.
Sex is an act of self-expression, and when you believe that you must hide who you are, it’s no wonder that shame is involved. Shame can disrupt your orgasm, but it can also interfere with your connection to yourself and your partner.
The stress of shame can even impact your physical sensations, making you numb to pleasure. If you want to learn more about the top mistakes men make when struggling with erectile dysfunction and how to overcome them, you won’t want to miss my video:
The Mind-Body Experience of Shame
Shame doesn’t just live in the mind—it lives in your body as well. It has the uncanny ability to short-circuit pleasure and focus on insecurity and self-doubt instead. Ecstasy and bliss are replaced with pressure and self-loathing. To rid yourself of shame, you may want to engage in practices that reconnect your mind and body to the present moment, like meditation, yoga, or any physical movement that facilitates stress relief.
How to Drive Out Shame for Good
Stepping away from shame starts with giving yourself permission and letting go of past events that cause you residual embarrassment. Superseding old messaging can be trickier than it sounds. Once you can identify the shameful messages you give yourself, you can replace them with something else—something that resonates with you. The old messaging likely came from other people, possibly those whose values you don’t share. You wouldn’t let a stranger drive your car, so you shouldn’t let other people’s values into your head and your bedroom.
The next step is to stamp out negative self-talk. Negative self-talk can sound like “You’re not ___ enough,” but it can also sound like “you don’t deserve that.” Naming this kind of talk makes it possible to identify and will enable you to recognize it the next time you engage in it. And the more you tell yourself that you deserve pleasure and partners who lift you up, the easier it will be to believe.
Next Steps
Having a specialist in your corner never hurts. Reach out for a free consultation!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.