If you’re in a sexual relationship with another person, you need to discuss your boundaries around sexual behavior. What one person thinks is completely fine may be seen as a betrayal by another. Assuming that you have an unspoken agreement with your partner about what constitutes fidelity and what constitutes cheating will set your relationship up for failure. Here’s how to avoid the pitfalls and ensure you discuss the critical details that will help you both feel secure and help prevent micro-cheating in your relationship.
Say the Quiet Part Out Loud
All too often, the conversation about sexual boundaries doesn’t come up organically, and couples don’t discuss what fidelity means to them until something problematic has happened. Waiting until something has gone wrong isn’t the best tactic. Instead, you will want to bring your preferences to light before it becomes an issue.
The line between loyalty and infidelity is different for everyone, and even if you share values, religion, or similar upbringings, that does not mean that you will align on sex, especially with the influence of the Internet. Sex is not what it used to be—something that only happens in person. Now, there are thousands of versions of how you can interact sexually with strangers: sex workers, webcammers, watching porn, and more.
Sexual boundaries are different for each person based on their comfort with risk, trauma from past relationships, values, amount of trust earned, and anxiety levels. There’s no way to guess what someone is comfortable with. You’ll have to talk it over, detail by detail.
Small Issues Matter
There is no issue too small to bring up when determining your sexual boundaries. Being friends with exes or interacting with celebrities on social media can affect your relationship. You may even be interested in who your partner fantasizes about. Some people may not want to know that much and prefer privacy—others want to know every little detail about their partner. The amount you share and the amount you keep to yourself is something you will want to discuss and agree on, or it can become a place where you get stuck later on in the relationship.
Finding Common Ground
Compromises around your sexual boundaries can be hard to manage long-term, but it’s doable if you’re both committed and have open communication. This is not the time to try to be the easygoing, cool partner you wish you were in your head. It’s the time to be brutally honest about your trust issues and jealousy triggers.
If you disagree on what kinds of sexual contact with other people is okay, you must understand where the other person is coming from. Staying with someone who frequently pushes against the edge of your boundaries is exhausting. Likewise, being in a long-term relationship with someone who invades your privacy and can’t trust you can make you feel stuck.
Make Your Boundaries an Ongoing Conversation
Keep in mind that the boundaries may change at different points in your relationship. You may start off feeling jealous and insecure and grow to realize that your partner is very committed to you, and then you want to loosen the rules. Or, maybe you were not initially jealous but then found out about an affair, so you want to establish new boundaries until you feel trust toward your partner again. These changes are a normal part of the ups and downs of a long-term relationship—you just need to keep your partner in the loop.
Boundaries Can Be Sexy
Learning about what your partner likes, what turns them on, and what they think of when they masturbate doesn’t have to be a jealousy trigger—it can be hot. Get curious with your partner about what they like and why. Don’t assume it’s a deficiency in your relationship if they enjoy porn or frequently fantasize about other people.
If their behavior makes you feel insecure about your body or relationship—tell them! Often, masturbation, porn use, and other private sex behaviors are more about enjoying alone time, relaxing, and feeling independent than something that reflects negatively on the partner. Find out what interests them and how it’s different from your current sex life. Opening up and talking about your hottest fantasies can add a sizzle like nothing else to your sex life.
Maintaining a little space for you and your partner to breathe is a good idea, too. If you know every person they find attractive, every website they visit, and every fantasy they have, you may start to feel more like a parent than a partner.
For more information, check out my video below:
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.