Touching your partner the right way can mean the difference between a night of bliss or a cold shoulder. But the reality is that there is no one right way for everyone; each person has a constellation of likes and dislikes, turn-ons and turn-offs. Keep reading to discover how to unlock the secret of how to touch your partner and drive them crazy with desire.
Getting Started
If we don’t know how to caress our partners, the default response is to touch them how we like to be touched. This response is well-intentioned but limiting, and it doesn’t give our partners much to work with. To get better at touching your partner the way they want to be touched, notice their body language. Rather than asking dead-end questions like “Do you like that,” ask something that can help you improve and enhance the experience, like “What would make this even better?” Further, consider the many ways you can caress someone and ask about something specific. “Is this pressure okay, or would you prefer it lighter?” The same goes for speed, direction, and motion.
Having a question-and-answer portion of the evening may not sound like good foreplay to some—but it’s effective. The more frequently you ask questions, the easier it will be to turn it into dirty talk. Asking questions regularly doesn’t indicate that you are insecure about what to do, but it reminds your partner that their pleasure is the point. It acknowledges that your partner will want and respond to different types of touch based on their mood, and it helps you stay in tune with what they like right now.
Consent Is a Turn-On
Learning what kind of touch you like also means unlearning conditioned responses to touch you don’t like. Many of us grew up in households where we had to hug or kiss family members we weren’t comfortable with so we had a foundation of obligatory touch. That’s not a great foundation if your goal is pleasurable, consensual sex! Talk about what you want to do beforehand with your partner so they have the chance to think it over and give informed consent.
Learning the Language of Touch
Touch isn’t just a sense we have; it’s a form of communication. And when your relationship hits a rough patch, you might notice that you aren’t touching each other as much as you usually do. Your bodies are communicating that you need space.
When you increase the amount of time and types of non-sexual touch in your repertoire, you increase sensuality. You can have intimacy without feeling like touch is the fast lane toward sex. It helps you connect without the pressure of touch leading necessarily to intercourse each time. When you practice sensual touch without the expectation of sex, your partner will feel more relaxed when you caress them.
Once your touch becomes something that relaxes your partner, they have a better chance of becoming turned on and reaching orgasm. Touch can help prepare your partner to experience more arousal, even if they aren’t aroused in the first place.
Bring in Reinforcements
Lubricant is an excellent way to improve how your touch feels to your partner tonight. It’s not just for people who can’t get wet or those who can’t turn on their partners—it’s for everyone. If you want a simple, effortless hack for improving your sex life tonight, grab a bottle of lube on the way home and watch the magic happen.
Sensate Focus and Pleasure-Mapping
Another way to upgrade your touching skills is not going immediately for the genitals. Start elsewhere and tease your partner. Take it slow and show your partner how much you enjoy touching them. This exploration could end in an explosive yoni massage or something like prostate play and pegging, if you both feel ready. When your partner knows you’re not in a hurry, it can contribute to their overall relaxation, which is a massive turn-on.
Consider taking turns touching each other, blindfolded to help increase focus and awareness. Try different types of touch in various areas and make a pleasure map of your partner’s body. Take notes of the speed, intensity, and rhythms they like the most and how those preferences change in different areas of the body or when they are at peak arousal. This information is worth its weight in gold if you want to become the best lover you can be. Or, plan a night where sex is off the table. The only thing on the table? Intimate touch. Sensate focus is an excellent way to reduce the pressure to perform, focus on your partner’s pleasure instead, and discover new ways to touch them.
For information on 3 Ways to Level Up Your 69 Game, check out my video below:
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.