With the proper knowledge and skills, anyone can reach orgasm. Here is what you need to know to get started.
Every Orgasm Is Different
No matter your gender, you can have multiple types of orgasms. Yet culture has sold us on the idea that there is a “right way” to orgasm and that there is one orgasm that is more legitimate than the rest. Characterizing orgasms as legitimate or not is unhelpful, especially for people who were raised as women.
Many women expect to be able to orgasm from penis-in-vagina penetration alone and are surprised to find that without clitoral stimulation, they can’t climax. This expectation stems from the underlying belief that the primary goal of sex is reproduction. That notion is outdated. The modern view of the purpose of sex is pleasure and well-being. The model of reproductive sex favors male orgasms and often neglects female pleasure. That’s why it’s vital to recognize that clitoral orgasms are just as worthwhile and fulfilling as G-spot orgasms, just as penis orgasms are as worthwhile and fulfilling as P-spot orgasms.
Orgasms come in different strengths and sizes. You might have a tiny one if you’re feeling sexually exhausted or if you’ve already had multiple orgasms. Or you might have a giant one when you feel exceptionally turned on. Some orgasms are better than others, but some are just different. Not every orgasm easily fits into a hierarchy of good, better, and best. When you are experiencing sexual pleasure, not every orgasm has to be the best to be fun.
How to Know If You’re Having an Orgasm
Throughout history, the male orgasm was well-understood, but the female orgasm was a mysterious concept. Scientists (typically male scientists) would study to find out if people with vulvas could orgasm and what the point of their orgasm was.
The truth is that it’s harder for people with vulvas to know if they’ve had an orgasm simply because there isn’t a visual sign. You must rely on your senses. It’s surprisingly common to be unsure whether you have had an orgasm. Most people experience orgasm as a pleasurable build-up of muscle tension and then a release that includes satisfying muscle contractions. You’ll often feel stress leave your body once you climax. Experimenting with your body can help you get acquainted with the rhythm of interest, arousal, climax, and cool down.
Familiarity Breeds Climax
If you haven’t had an orgasm yet, that’s okay. Many people haven’t! The first step is to get to know your genitals with your eyes and your hands. Get a mirror and watch as you touch yourself so you can identify and describe which areas are extra sensitive and what kind of touch you like.
To learn more about boosting sensitivity (especially if you have a penis), check out my video:
Climaxing With a Partner
Choosing partners who value your pleasure as much as your own is key to lifelong sexual pleasure. Selfish lovers aren’t known for getting their partners to climax, but you can’t prioritize your partner’s pleasure forever. If you try, you’ll find yourself becoming more and more resentful about your sex life and it will feel like a chore.
Next, it’s important to rate your climax as important as you rank your partner’s. This means that you’ll have to let your partner know if they aren’t getting you off. Letting your partner know that you’ve been faking orgasms is a difficult conversation to have, but it’s vital to achieving your sexual fulfillment.
Orgasming with your partner can be even more challenging than orgasming during self-touch. Knowing what you like and then communicating it with your partner is crucial. Then, you’ll need to feel fully relaxed and have a baseline of trust with your partner so that you can stay focused on the moment. Before you know it, you’ll both feel more in sync with each other sexually and orgasms can become an everyday occurrence.
If you’re ready to take the next step, consider signing up for this online workshop for couples that will cover orgasms, dirty talk, and keeping things spicy:
Need More Pointers?
Contact me for a free consultation today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.