How can you stay connected with your partner after having kids? It’s a challenge many parents in long-term relationships will face. Adding kids to a life already packed with work stress, friend and family relationships to maintain, hobbies, and potentially aging and medical issues can be tricky business. When your attention is being pulled in a million different directions, it’s tempting to de-prioritize connecting with your partner. Here’s how to avoid that relationship trap and stay intimate.
Step 1: Communicate the Issue
If only one of you sees that there is a problem, it will be impossible to tackle this as a team. Let your partner know that you sense distance growing and that you want to address it head-on. You won’t be able to implement a solution until you’re both on the same page. Keep the tone of the conversation focused on what you want for your relationship, not blaming one person for their lack of attention.
Step 2: Set Goals for Your Relationship
Anything you don’t pay attention to in your life will likely slip away into the background, and this is so true for your sex life. You’ll have to spend time paying attention to how your sex life has changed after kids and nurture it as you adapt to the changes. For some couples, having kids becomes an excuse to neglect their sexual relationship, which happens often if people were having issues in the bedroom to begin with. But you don’t have to let children stand in the way of your sexual fulfillment and bonding as a couple. A sexless relationship can be hard to salvage. For more information on the effects of a sexless relationship, check out my YouTube video below:
After you both agree that you need to spend more time creating intimacy in your relationship, you’ll have to take solid steps to get there. Fostering your erotic connection takes time and effort, but it’s worth it. Not only will you have a more stable, engaging relationship for years to come, but your kids will have a solid couple rather than a fracturing one to model their own relationships after. To ensure a continued connection, map out with your partner where you’d like to see yourselves in a few years. Be specific, including what hobbies you have cultivated together, how often you go on dates, and what your sex life feels like.
Step 3: Prioritize Privacy
Kids can and will take up a lot of your space, both physically and mentally. But it would be best if you put boundaries around how much they occupy for the sake of your relationship. Getting a lock for your bedroom door so that you don’t have to worry about one walking in on you during your adult playtime is an excellent idea. Talk to your partner about what they would need to make a quickie extra hot, as you may have less time than normal for sex.
Step 4: Delegate What You Can
Parents are notoriously tired people. How could they not be when they have so much extra work? Something will have to give for you to return your focus to your partner, even for a short time. Finding a babysitter, nanny, or close friend with whom you can trade time watching kids is crucial to help you reconnect with your spouse sexually after having children. But even the idea of a date night can feel like a chore to new parents who are sleep-deprived and unable to keep up with their new addition. Worse yet, resentment may be bubbling underneath the surface, with one spouse feeling neglected and the other feeling responsible for everything.
Step 5: Change Up Date Night
Stress is a well-known libido killer, so you’ll need to destress before you’re ready for sex again. Plus, you’ll often need to disconnect from your day before you can connect with your partner. If you used to be thrill seekers or overachievers who did energy-consuming things on your date nights prior to having children, you will want to take some time before returning to that. Instead, consider getting massages, doing a gentle yoga class together, or any other activity that centers around reconnecting to your body and releasing the stress from the day.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.