One of the founding principles of psychology is to only focus on what you can change. And the only thing you can reliably change is yourself. Yet, introspection can have a powerful effect on your sex life. So, here’s how to ensure that you’re examining yourself in healthy ways to propel yourself toward a good sex life.
Self-Examination 101
If you can easily point out the flaws in your partner but have trouble knowing where you went wrong in a relationship, you could probably benefit from some self-examination. Some people are great at introspection; others may rarely engage in it. Others still spend all day picking apart their flaws. Health self-awareness allows you a greater understanding of what you offer to everyone, and it’s a helpful tool to have in your pocket.
Self-awareness only comes when you can take as objective of a look at yourself as possible, so it can feel like a vulnerable task. Yet, if you don’t engage in introspection, your opinions on what sex should look like and feel like will probably be based on what you’ve seen in the media or porn or what your parents told you. That’s why spending some time alone soul-searching and reflecting on who you are as a sexual being and who you want to become is so crucial.
Get curious about what you would want to change in the future. This doesn’t need to be a list of complaints about your sex life but more of a bucket list where you decide what roadmap you should have for your sexual future. Do you have inhibitions you’d like to shed or a new kink you want to try? Is there a thought that nags at you during sex that you’d like to work through—permanently? This insight is worth its weight in gold.
Getting Another Perspective
Partners can be excellent mirrors to show us our imperfections, even when we don’t want to see them. Talking to a partner whom you love and trust about how they view you as a sexual being and how they see your sexual relationship is a good place to start. If you’re open to hearing their feedback, you may see yourself in a new light.
Remember, during this process, it’s important not to internalize criticism from your partner, especially about your body. Your partner isn’t entitled to a certain body type or shape, and if they have critical feedback about your body, it typically says more about their core beliefs than your current size. Let them know that what they said was hurtful and can contribute to body insecurity—which is the opposite of a turn-on.
Healing From Unwanted Ideals
Part of introspection involves finding your blind spots, areas where you may not consciously make decisions. You may be reacting from a place of childhood wounds or maxims that don’t reflect your values. Unlearning things that your mind has taken for granted can be incredibly freeing.
For instance, in your childhood, you were probably taught what was right and wrong to do sexually. You may no longer agree with what you were taught, but unless you solidify your values, you may act as if you still hold the morals you were brought up with. Giving yourself permission to act according to your own values is another step along the path of sexual empowerment. To get started, you could come up with a mantra for how you want your sex life to be. It could be about feeling more empowered, loving your body, being open to trying new things, focusing more on pleasure, building more resilience when things go awry, or whatever resonates with you. If you have a partner, it’s a good idea to clue them in so they can support you on your new journey.
For tips on how to perfect sexual communication with your partner, check out my YouTube video:
Work With Someone You Trust
If you want to take your sex life to the next level, consider working with a trusted professional. Contact me for a free consultation today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.