Hiding a part of your sexuality from your partner does you both a disservice. It not only robs you of the joy of exploring something with a lover, but it also keeps them from understanding you better. But to avoid sexual incompatibility, telling your partner about your interest in kink or fetish is a must. No matter where you are in your relationship, the tips below will help you get through the conversation gracefully.
When You’re Dating
Sure, some people meet their partners on kink- and fetish-oriented dating platforms, so having a conversation about kink requires no introduction. But the rest of the population may find it trickier to introduce their erotic self to their partner. Putting “kink-friendly” in your bio is an excellent way to give future partners a heads-up, but some people aren’t quite as comfortable wearing their sexual persona on their sleeve in that way.
However, it’s imperative to have the conversation before sex is imminent. Either you won’t have a good time and will have to explain why after the fact, or you will spring it on your partner in the heat of the moment, which isn’t fair. So, determine what would be a dealbreaker for you, and mention that much to your partner before you head toward the bedroom. You can get more into the details as your relationship progresses and as communicating about sex becomes a habit.
When You’re in a Long-Term Relationship
Some people may be in a long-term partnership with someone who doesn’t know that they are kinky. When you’re invested and have created a life together, the stakes are high and the conversation can feel even more intimidating. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth having. The longer you wait, the more pressure there is, so try to clear the air as soon as possible.
If you recently learned about your interest in kink, let your partner know that. It may comfort them to know that this interest in kink or fetish is new to you, too, and that you haven’t been holding on to an important secret throughout your relationship. Further, you may want to start by experimenting during masturbation so that you can give your partner the key details. Let them know what type of power dynamic or other BDSM scene gets you the hottest so they can paint a mental picture of what you want before agreeing to it.
If you have been kinky before, you’ll want to make that clear, too. Keep the focus of the conversation on how much you want to share this experience with your partner rather than the idea that your sex life is lacking and you won’t be happy until you include your kink or fetish. Let them know that this is a difficult conversation for you and that your relationship is your priority. The more genuine you can be, the smoother the conversation will go.
Fantasies Are Worth Sharing
Many people’s fantasies are right on the edge of what they feel okay with, meaning that they are close to their hard-no, not-ever-gonna-happen boundaries. Even if you never intend to act on these kinky interests, it’s still worth sharing them with a serious partner. Being vulnerable with them might deepen your bond, reinforce your trust, and help you feel more secure.
Keep Your Expectations in Check
Despite your best efforts, your partner may feel blindsided by the news that you’re into kink. The shock may bring up their sexual insecurities, and they may feel you’re bringing this up because you’re not happy with your current sex life. Or they may feel upset that they didn’t know sooner. No matter their reaction, try to give them time to process their feelings about this. Don’t expect that now that you’ve told them, you’ll be at a play party the next weekend.
Dealing With Shame
Unfortunately, you may feel ashamed about your interest in kink or fetishes, even though many are incredibly common. Keep in mind that exploring something new is good for your sex life, and finding new avenues of pleasure for you and your partner is a healthy thing to do. When you hear shaming thoughts enter your mind, counter them with more empowering ideas. Consider creating a mantra that affirms your kink, like “It’s okay to ask for what you want.”
You could go a step further and join a BDSM community. Whether virtual or in real life, you’ll meet other people like yourself and realize that they are normal, too.
Your partner’s reaction may not be what you had in mind, but that has more to do with them than with you. Remember that if they shame you for what you’re into, it may be a defensive reaction rather than something they truly believe. Give them some time, but don’t internalize their sex negativity.
My video below has more information about how to get started with BDSM:
Involve a Neutral Third Party
One of the safest spaces you can have this conversation is in a trusted sex therapist’s office, who can guide you away from emotional minefields and toward connection. If that sounds like what you need, sign up for a free consultation.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.