Having penetrative sex is often the go-to for many couples. However, it can get a bit bland or may be more pleasurable for one partner than the other. Try the tips below to add some spice and ensure that both parties get the most out of it!
Talk First
Communication is always the first and best way to upgrade your penetration routine. No one is a mind reader, so it’s impossible to know what they want more of until you ask them. Maybe you are thinking they want harder, faster, and stronger when what they truly desire is more build-up before you get started. Or, perhaps they don’t want to climax as quickly as they are.
Your partner may not know what they want, so come to the conversation with a couple of ideas in mind. Make some educated guesses about how your partner would prefer penetrative sex to go but be prepared for the fact that you may be surprised by what they want, especially if you don’t regularly communicate about your sex life.
People with vulvas may have trouble communicating about what feels good first. For one, people raised as women are often conditioned to be people-pleasing and put other people’s pleasure first. This background can lead them to fake orgasms or, at the very least, fail to ask for what they want. Encourage honesty and feedback, and it will pay off in the bedroom.
Avoiding Common Pitfalls
Many of us grew up without much sex education, so we got tips where we could: a friend, porn, or scenes from movies. But sex in real life is so much more nuanced, intimate, and surprising than what can be portrayed on the screen. And what was performed on the screen is often too rough, fast, and one-size-fits-all than what you should do with a partner.
Deep penetration isn’t always the best. People have differently shaped genitals and anuses, and pretending that what worked for someone else will work for everyone is a surefire path to disappointment for everyone involved. Many people will need a lot of foreplay before deep penetration so that it isn’t painful, and others still won’t ever want deep penetration. Further, for some, deep penetration isn’t a way to turn someone on but something that’s only pleasurable at peak arousal.
Sometimes, people can start jackhammering the way they see in porn, predominantly if the focus is on experiencing pleasure rather than giving pleasure. Changing the framework of penetration to focus on how your partner is reacting, what they enjoy, and what turns them on can help you steer clear of the repetitive, brisk motions that probably better mimic a masturbation routine than do much for getting your partner off. Further, staying with shallower, slower thrusts can help the penetrating partner last longer, which may, in turn, give your partner a better chance of reaching climax.
Another way to avoid jackhammering is to try motions that are more complicated than in and out. Grinding against your partner will feel good, but try different angles, lingering at various depths, and teasing them with different levels of insertion to help them stay focused on their pleasure.
Keep a close eye on your partner’s body language. You can learn a lot about what helps them relax, what makes them tense up, and what pushes them over the edge. Talk about what you discovered with them so they can confirm that you’re picking up on the right signals and not misreading anything.
Lube Isn’t Optional
Lubricant is the secret ingredient that elevates nearly any sexual experience, and it’s even more essential during penetration. People have varying levels of hydration on different days, may be taking antidepressants, or may have genital non-concordance, where their genitals don’t reflect their state of turn-on. Even someone who is wet enough one day will benefit from lube the next, so keep a bottle at the ready.
Watch the video below for more information on how to have better sex with lube:
Never Stop Learning
To learn more ways to make thrusting as pleasurable as possible for your partner, working with an expert is ideal. If you’re interested, contact me for a free consultation today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.