Dating is a skill you can learn—and so is recovering from a breakup in a way that will leave you better off next time. When a relationship ends, taking on emotional baggage is all too easy if you don’t have the skills you need in order to take care of yourself after a breakup. Below are some ways to help you leave the past in the past and ensure the future is as bright as ever.
Getting to Know Yourself Again
Taking time to contemplate who you are and what you deserve post-breakup is worthwhile. Instead of deciding that you are walking away from something good (or, worse, being discarded), it can be helpful to change your mindset and instead frame it as walking toward something better. Something better can be a new relationship. Other times, it could be more time to discover yourself. Changing the narrative can help improve your self-esteem as a newly single person and keep you focused on what you want rather than returning to your ex or unnecessarily lionizing them in your head.
Take a Beat
Taking time to heal before a new relationship can make all the difference in your mental health. Using a new person to cope with the pain of your last relationship could be unhealthy and may cause you to date people who might not deserve your time. Rushing into dating doesn’t give you the time or emotional space to remember how fabulous you are, regain your independence, and clarify what kind of relationship you want to have next. Casual sex can be fun (and you can even get it right the first time you have it with someone!), but make sure your expectations are clear to your partner before engaging.
On the other hand, if you have been waiting for a while and are still dragging your feet, you may be stuck in fear or trauma. You may fear having another relationship like the last one, or if you were in an abusive relationship, you may have trauma to deal with before you want to reconnect in an intimate relationship. If you’ve had abusive relationships in the past, it’s crucial to identify relationship patterns so that you don’t end up dating the same type of person.
Working with a therapist helps you identify and stop the cycle where you are attracted to someone because their toxic patterns feel familiar to you. You may be re-enacting painful experiences from your past and trying to heal your inner child by replaying the scenario and hoping for a happier ending. Going in a different direction can feel risky, but so is ending up in the same place emotionally, breakup after breakup. Getting professional help can allow you to understand what you want and seek it out with renewed clarity.
What’s Next
Trusting your intuition after a nasty breakup can be tricky, but it is necessary. While you should trust yourself, it’s also important to honor any mental health issues that you’re now experiencing. Being in touch with yourself is critical, so notice what is showing up for you and then address it.
For more ideas on how to be your best self in your next relationship, check out my video below:
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/pi39IVt0-18
You may also want to look for new qualities in your next partner. Just because you enjoy the same things recreationally or agree on finances doesn’t mean you will be happy long-term. If the sex wasn’t amazing in your last relationship, reflecting on why that was can help you change things in the future. Mentioning your priorities early in the relationship can help refine the dating pool into more suitable matches. It may seem too early to talk about what you like in bed, but the earlier you do it, the better. You can save yourself a lot of time and heartbreak by taking steps so that you’re not surprised by something important like sex down the line.
Therapy Can Help
Breakups are complicated, and sometimes, you need someone who can help you take the best possible care of yourself. For science-backed tips, contact a therapist who specializes in sex and relationships.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.