Treating monogamy as the default way to have a relationship is common. But it’s not the only way to have a happy, healthy, sexually fulfilling, and emotionally secure relationship. Many people find opening their relationship can heal their relationship of jealousy, create a more secure identity within their relationship, and renew their interest in their long-term partner. Use the four steps below to understand more about open relationships while protecting your partner’s trust at the same time.
Step One: Know What You Want
Before you talk to your partner, you should ensure that non-monogamy is what is best for you. Sometimes, people think they want to open their relationship when what they actually seek is more adventure within their own relationship and to feel that sexual spark again. Both instances are feasible, but you can ruin a perfectly good relationship if you don’t know what you want before diving in.
You may even want to play with the fantasy of non-monogamy within your monogamous relationship. Rather than acting on your urges, try fantasizing together during sex about what it would be like to attend an orgy, have a threesome, swing, or whatever your desire may be. Role-playing what you’re interested in can be a safe and sexy way to taste the non-monogamous lifestyle without irreparably damaging your relationship by opening up before you’re both ready.
Step Two: Clue Your Partner In
If you feel like an open relationship is the best fit for you, you’ll have to tell your partner. It’s a good idea to set aside time when you’re both feeling relaxed and connected, like on a date or when the kids aren’t around. Ensuring you’re at a secure place in your relationship before having the conversation is crucial as well.
Expecting non-monogamy to fix problems in your relationship is a dangerous wager. You must start with a secure, loving relationship built on trust, or opening your relationship will likely worsen your current problems. You’ll have to decide to take the risk together, but before you do, you’ll want to talk about specific boundaries. Open relationships are not a free-for-all, and the more you know about how to protect your relationship before getting started, the better.
For more tips on how to communicate your sexual needs, check out my video:
Step Three: Take It Slow—Super Slow
When you begin, it’s vital to take it as slow as the person most anxious about the situation wants to go. Start by talking about your fantasies and then acting on the mildest ones. You may want to talk about having sex with other people during sex and then talk about how that made you feel. If that felt okay, consider flirting or kissing other people. Then, stop and check in with your partner before moving forward. Never change gears after you’ve set boundaries, as this erodes trust quickly and can be akin to cheating. Building trust at the beginning is far easier than trying to repair trust once it has been broken.
Becoming curious about your jealousy is a super important skill for people in non-monogamous relationships. Many people think of jealousy as a fixture in their lives that cannot be fixed. However, you can work on your jealousy by getting involved in activities that increase your self-esteem and confidence in your relationship. These habits can help you overcome a fear of abandonment, too. Practicing jealousy management is a vulnerable endeavor but it’s possible to slowly chip away at this feeling and replace it with security.
Knowing what triggers your worst types of jealousy and avoiding those, at least initially, can help sow seeds of trust within your relationship. People may also have insecurity flare-ups, wondering if their partner will find someone new or better suited to them. Or, you may worry that opening your relationship signifies that it wasn’t good enough. The best thing you can do is be completely transparent with your partner and face these fears together.
If you decide to open up, you’ll need to focus more—not less—on your primary relationship. Going on dates, taking care of your partner, checking in throughout the day, all the little gestures that express affection become more important than ever.
Step Four: Consider Couples Therapy
Having guidance as you open your relationship is crucial because open relationships aren’t easy—they require as much or more maintenance than any other relationship configuration. A therapy session gives you a safe space to have scary conversations as well as an expert who can steer you away from minefields.
Therapy can also give you specific, science-backed ways to work on yourself while working on your relationship. Further, if you hit a difficult patch, having a professional who can get you back on track can help you avoid some of the most common pitfalls in non-monogamous relationships. If you’re opening your relationship, you’re welcome to consider working with me. Set up a free consultation with me today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.