Gender roles are slowly fading and allowing people to be free to express their gender in many ways. And yet, some corrosive ideas still linger that could be setting you up for worse sex. When you get rid of old beliefs about your masculinity and what it means, you expand your understanding of your body, mind, and pleasure. Here’s how to flip the script on masculinity and make it your own.
Rethinking Traditional Masculinity
Traditional masculinity is indeed free from some of the limits of femininity, but it can be restrictive, nonetheless. Often, people raised as men weren’t allowed or encouraged to share certain feelings like grief, vulnerability, or fear. Other emotions, like anger, may have been more well-received.
Thinking about how masculinity was modeled for you—like how your father figure acted and required you to act—can help you understand yourself better. It’s also important to parse out how you want to behave differently and the ways that it holds you back in your relationships and sex life. Finding ways to work against toxic masculinity can open doors for more pleasure and intimacy for you and your partner.
Masculinity and Unrealistic Sexual Expectations
Gender role scripts that are old-fashioned and not beneficial to people of any gender are easy to see in mainstream porn. There is a longstanding belief that men should know how to do everything in the bedroom without ever being told, and that sexual omniscience is part of being a man. On the other hand, being curious about your partner’s pleasure and asking them questions is often mischaracterized as a people-pleasing behavior and therefore feminized—and it’s often not shown in mainstream pornography.
The unfair expectation is that men should be able to get hard immediately and stay hard for as long as their partner wants them to. They may also be expected to have sex soon after orgasm, ignoring the necessity for a refractory period. The assumption may also be that the man initiates sex each time. Further, experimenting with the prostate, which can open up a brand new world of pleasure, is often thought of as gay behavior. All these ideas keep men locked into a mindset that breeds routine, repetitive sex.
Relying on your ability to have an erection every time for everyone’s pleasure puts an incredible amount of pressure on it, not to mention sucking some fun out of the experience. If you and your partner can agree to have several options on the table that aren’t penetrative sex, you’ll find it easier to stay out of a rut and you won’t feel like the stakes are so high. When you and your partner can keep open minds rather than feeling devastated if penetration is off the table, you’ll have more fun, but you’ll also set yourself up for good sex that lasts a lifetime. For more information about what to do when your erection isn’t doing what you’d like it to, watch my video below:
Talking to Your Partner
The first conversation about sex, especially how you want to express your masculinity in the bedroom, may be difficult or intimidating. But if you turn it into a frequent conversation, it will get easier. Sexual communication is a skill that can pay dividends for the rest of your life.
When men express their desire to not be held to old-fashioned masculine expectations, it may be met with resistance from their family, partner, or friends. Receiving negative feedback after deciding to be more vulnerable and authentic can be devastating. Your partner may resent that you are able to access yourself more fully while they keep parts of themselves locked away. Any form of gaslighting or a defense mechanism will feel invalidating and may create a permanent chasm unless you can reconnect with your partner. Still, it’s important not to let other people’s reactions deter you from the end goal: discovering yourself and expanding your definition of pleasure.
What should you do if you open yourself up and are met with silence or, worse, a dismissive and rude comment? First, it’s important to remember that everyone makes mistakes. Let them know that their reaction wounded you and, if it’s someone you love and trust, consider giving them a chance to do better. Next, find a community that aligns with your new version of you. You may no longer feel supported or connected to people who demand you stay confined to the person you used to be.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.