The gap between what people think makes sex good and what actually makes sex good is wide. Breaking down the myths that keep the two apart can help you focus on what truly would amp up your sexual skills. Studies often show that what is seen in porn isn’t necessarily what people of any gender desire for themselves. Unfortunately, most of the research has only been done on women and men in heterosexual relationships, leaving trans, gay, and non-binary people understudied and underserved.
Penis Size Is Oh-So Important
Many people so often conflate penis size with being good in bed, while many studies have shown that penis size isn’t that significant to people with vulvas. This is excellent news because penis size isn’t something you can do much about—you’re born with the genitals that you’re born with. However, what’s much more critical to many people is a sense of safety with their partner, the ability to talk freely about what they want from their sex life, and the ability to try new things together.
Staying Hard Is Just as Essential
If you’re worried about immediately getting a rock-hard erection that never wavers throughout hours of sex, rest assured that people with vulvas are typically not as interested in your erection as you are. Since most people with vulvas don’t achieve orgasm through penetration alone, elevating your oral skills or yoni massage skills and being able to get creative and still find sexual pleasure when your erection isn’t concordant with your feelings will give them a better chance to reach orgasm with you. On the other hand, if your erection bothers you, you can take steps to improve it.
Sex Isn’t a Priority for Women
Historically, marriage was a financial transaction and a means of survival for many women—and they lacked legal agency to divorce or find safe places to work. In those times, sex was an act of leisure and pleasure for men and often an act of service for women. However, times have changed, and current research confirms that sex is incredibly important to women, too, and interest in sex doesn’t always correlate with the set of genitals you have.
Sex Is Intuitive
The idea that sex is intuitive and requires no conversation is as pervasive as it is detrimental. But most of the time, sex takes ongoing communication and sometimes sex therapy to get the most out of it.
Further, many people who were raised as women were taught that their sexual needs came second to their partner’s and even that their pain was not as important to address as their partner’s pleasure. People with vulvas typically struggle with sexual pain and inability to orgasm, and these people may have difficulty speaking up to let their partners know what they need.
Some people don’t know that they’re allowed to talk about what they need sexually—that it will come across as demanding or vulgar. So, if you’ve been waiting for permission, it’s time to give yourself permission.
Talking about sex in advance can take a lot of the pressure off your sex life. If you mention that you sometimes have erectile unpredictability or that you experience sexual pain before you’re in the moment, you won’t feel like you’re surprising your partner with something disappointing. And you won’t worry as much about voicing it in the moment because your partner will be prepared.
For more information on how to upgrade your sexual communication, check out my video below:
If You Don’t Have a Sexual Dysfunction, You Don’t Need Sex Therapy
Sex therapy isn’t just a bandage for sexual problems—it can also help you work through past disappointments, create better trust and adventure in your already healthy relationship, and learn more about where you want to head in the future. If you’re curious about starting sex therapy, contact me for a free consultation today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.